The ABCs of BDSM

More and more erotic romances today deal with the world of BDSM, an acronym that represents bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. But the “life” has a glossary of terms all t’s own, so today I thought I’d let you in on what a few of them mean. A kind of roadmap for you to use the next time you read a BDSM romance.

BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.

D/s (Dominance and submission) includes master and slave role-playing scenarios.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

Black sheet party: An orgy for people into BDSM sex.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: one who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the one-done-to rather than the do-er.

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules - essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dominant” A person who exercises control - contrast with submissive

Domme: Woman who exercises control.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Fire play: Creative uses of heat.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

Safe, sane and consensual - (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play.

Safeword - A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop - used especially in scenes which may involve consensual force.

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate. It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's wellbeing if they are in subspace.

switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total power exchange: a relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Be sure to check out the entire 1-800-DOMHelp series. And visit my web site at www.desireeholt.com.

The many flavors of subs-and I don't mean sandwiches

Is there humor in BDSM?? Of course. There's humor in everything. And like any other lifestyle there are both serious and humorous stereotypes. Here, for your giggles, a few subs that could use some advice.




THE PLEASE PITY ME SUB:
 She (or he) leads a live that she feels is cursed, not blessed. Something is always going wrong and no, none of it is her fault. Every one of her Doms is flawed. They chose her for the wrong reasons. All because the perfect Master is missing. If only he or she could that perfect master life would be good. No more mistakes, no more screwing up. Start living up to her potential–whatever that is.

Hint to sub: Try Master-R-Us.

 THE DO IT TO ME SUB: “Beat me, beat me” could be the mantra of this sub. And they don’t care who is doing the beating or flogging. Frequently misbehaving on purpose, this sub craves the feel of the lash or the flogger. This “sub” just wants to be beaten. It doesn’t really matter by who. Searching for the perfect partner this sub wanders bondage clubs and might as well be wearing a sign that says “Beat Me.”

Hint to sub: Start carrying your own flogger, just in case.

 THE BARBIE-DOLL SUB: 
Or maybe Ken. This sub is just in it for the look–the leather, the boots, even the temporary collar or cuffs. He or she might as well have a tattoo saying “I’m a sub, come and get me.” They’re afraid of the whip, and have never seen a clamp in their lives. They spend their paychecks on bondage fashions and love to visit clubs where they can posture.

Hint: Take off your clothes and let us see the real you.

THE HE CAUSED ME PAIN SUB: These are among my favorites to point fingers at. They rush out to play with a master they might have just met online, maybe in some secluded cabin or gothic mansion or just your normal. Everyday resident with a soundproof dungeon. There’s no negotiation, no discussion of safe words because the sub just wants to “do it.” After a full sessions with restraints, clamps and punishment the sub decides the master is a threat to society and can’t wait to spread the word about him.

Hint to sub: Sell your computer.

THE WHERE-CAN-I-FIND-A-REAL-MAN SUB: 
After burning her way through the usual singles bars and meat factories and co-ed health clubs and every other hookup spot, she decided a Dom would be the perfect answer for her. This “sub”, after exhausting all her singles bar and health club meeting places, decides that the D/s world would be a good place to meet a *man*. She really has no interest in D/s, she just wants a “real man.” Of course after her first session she suddenly loses all interest in sex of any kind.

Hint to sub: Have a pity party with the Poor Me sub.

 THE “I’M GIVING YOU THE GREATEST GIFT” SUB:SUBMISSION IS THE GREATEST GIFT Submissive.
This submissive is starry-eyed and naïve, swooning at the mere thought of a dom, any dom, asking to pass the salt. They declare there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a “better” and “higher” manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. They lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial.
And  reminding the master too frequently what a great gift submission is.

Hint to sub:

While it may be more blessed to give than receive, that only works when you don’t make yourself a pain in the ass.

 So what’s your favorite kind of sub? What do you like? Dislike? Let me know here and you might win a copy of my 1-800 story, DELIGHT ME.

 Come see me at www.desireeholt.com and sign up for my mailing list.

And get all the 1-800 books at http://www.jasminejade.com/s-375-1-800-dom-help.aspx

Roses and Chains Release Day!

Yay! Woohoo! Roses and Chains, the next 1-800-DOM-help book, is out today! It's an M/f/f featuring a new male Dom and two female subs. This was my first menage, and I hope you enjoy reading it half as much as I enjoyed writing it.

The blurb:

Take one adorable suburban couple just starting to realize their D/s relationship isn't quite enough to satisfy. Add one cute and quirky sub who can't seem to find a Dom to suit her tastes. Place them in a room full of sex toys and candlelight, roses and chains...

And after a few smoking-hot nights of pleasure and exploration, all three might just find what they're looking for.

What's that? You'd like to read an excerpt? But of course (WARNING: it's a naughty, not-safe-for-work, grownups-only sort of excerpt...and it's an exclusive)!

AN EXCERPT FROM ROSES AND CHAINS

Copyright © DELPHINE DRYDEN, 2011

All Rights Reserved, Ellora's Cave Publishing, Inc.

Scenes in the main room at the club weren’t Mara Tyndall’s favorite thing. But they served their purpose.

Tonight, that purpose was to make her forget her very stupid recent attempt to date outside her flavor. He was Plain Vanilla, she was Rocky Road. She should have known it could never work.

“I think this side’s done. Time to turn you over and toast the other side, slutski.”

Mistress Amie was relentlessly perky. Her kitten-with-a-whip insouciance struck a particularly cruel note tonight, because she knew exactly why Mara was there. She knew what Mara needed. And in her relentless, perky, cruel way, she was not saying “I told you so.”

She was not saying it very loudly, with everything she did and every expression on her face.

“Fucking…cheerleader from hell,” Mara gasped as Mistress Amie loosened the leather cuffs around her ankles. For her sass she received a brisk slap on the upper thigh where the flogger marks were still flushing, blending into one blotchy pink map of the pain she’d endured thus far this evening. Mara groaned when the Mistress released the restraints around her wrists and she lowered her arms too suddenly.

“I can see we’re not quite there yet. Okay, stretch it out then face the cross.”

Amie really did sound as if she were leading an exercise class. Which was appropriate, because she was a Pilates instructor and personal trainer. The kind who made a lot of money making wealthy people hate her guts, but love the results she helped them achieve. After all, Amie was an expert at getting people to take more pain than they ever thought they could tolerate.

Mara knew the heights Amie could inspire her to. They had spent close to a year, off and on, exploring those heights, and although her mind might resist returning, her body was already responding all too eagerly to the cheerful Mistress’s wicked ministrations.

“And now,” Mistress Amie chirped, shackling the leather back into place as Mara inspected the top crotch of the St. Andrew’s cross she was now facing, “let’s work that rear.”

The paint’s chipping. Tad needs to touch this thing up.

“Count off.”

The flogger cracked against her butt and she reflexively shouted, “One!” before her brain caught up. “How high, Mistress?”

“I’ll let you know. You know math isn’t really my thing, sweetcheeks.”

“Two!” Against the upper thigh.

“Three!” Really hard across the shoulders.

The unpredictability slowly lost its edge, ceased to engage her mind and instead forced her to relax, to accept that there would be a blow, that she wouldn’t know where the pain would land next. She was buffeted this way and that, just a leaf, and Amie’s flogger was the wind.

“Do you need to come?” The chipper, smug voice in her ear was accompanied by a surprisingly gentle hand that traced the line of her spine from neck to ass. “Hmm? You want me to make you come for me, Mara?”

The hand dipped lower, following the curve of one cheek, ending up cupping the top of one inner thigh. Amie wouldn’t touch her pussy unless Mara asked for it. Tonight was just a favor, and an orgasm would be another favor. Another reason for Amie to avoid saying “I told you so”.

But she needed it too much. She needed to come, in order to feel as if the scene was over for the evening. Submitting to her own needs was more important than submitting to Amie. It took more humility.

She nodded.

“No. You know better. Say it.”

“Please make me come.”

“No. You know what I need to hear, slut.” Amie paused then added more quietly, “You know what you need to say.”

“Mistress. I need to come, please make me come, Mistress.”

RomDom(me): The Appeal of the Romantic Dominant

The 1-800-DOM-help group is celebrating two releases in the series today with this post. Controlling Interest by Francesca Hawley and Fettered Love by Michelle Polaris. In honor of both, Francesca and Michelle dedicate this collaborative blog on BDSM and romance.

The Romantic Dom: Strength and Tenderness

When I first found EC shortly after they first began to publish, one of my first reads was a BDSM romance. I had to work myself up to ordering it…but once I did, it captured my imagination and so did the hero. BDSM was new to me then but the lifestyle spoke to me as a reader. My favorite part was the male dominant.

His appeal was his intensity. His complete focus on the heroine. The way that even though she was the submissive, he wanted to please her. To make her feel safe. Cherished. Protected. Yes, this is coming from a woman (me) who is a feminist and is perfectly capable of looking after herself, yet the thought that a man could take care of me and I could let him was a real eye opener. It seized my interest and teased my libido.

The idea of being protected and cherished appeal to me as a reader. Even better is the fact that in order for a relationship between a Dom and a sub to flourish, complete honesty and trust is absolutely necessary. No need to lie about what you think or fake an orgasm you didn’t have. Nope. He gets the unvarnished truth from you and you get the truth from him. I’m not completely sure I like the second part as much as the first, but hey, I can deal.

So, when I began writing erotic romance, I knew I wanted my heroes to be alpha males. In control and competent. My favorite archetype is the warrior and that definitely fits a dominant man. All of the heroes I’ve written have been dominant and their ladies like them that way. Like me, my heroines are talented women, but they enjoy letting the hero lead in the bedroom. It’s a turn-on for them and for the hero.

However, a vital fact here is that what I read and write is erotic ROMANCE. So that means that any alpha hero I write about must not only be dominant, but he must also be romantic. He must fall in love with the heroine and ache for her and with her. Writing an edgy, dominant man without turning him into an asshole requires some practice and a great character. I’ve been really fortunate to have some strong yet romantic dominant males seduce me into writing their stories.

The latest is Torin Stuart. A businessman with a sense of humor and a strong desire to make his BDSM club the best one out there anywhere. Forcing him into close quarters with Mouse, his late mother’s personal assistant, was a necessity. Thus Controlling Interest in the club was at the center of their intimate tug-of-war. Tor and Mouse have carried torches for each other for years and only now can they explore it. Tor, for all his tough practical nature, is actually a bit of a hopeless romantic. He wants to share his life with someone and when Mouse tells him a lie, he’s really hurt by it which turns him into a grumpy bear. But when they finally work through their problems, a happily ever after is definitely in the cards for Tor and Mouse.

The Romantic Domme: the feminine flip side.

Romance and Domination? How can a woman who ties up her lover, may use floggers, paddles, whips and other instruments of discipline, and make strict demands on his service, sexual or otherwise, be a romantic? Easily.

I've always considered males to be the more romantic gender. I don't know why. Maybe the image of knight gallants a-wooing. They bring chocolates, they bring flowers, they write love poetry. Yes, they do. I've received some in my day. But women, despite being extremely pratical, are also romantic.

First, I agree with Francesca that Dominants are loving, tender, and romantic because of how they cherish and protect their submissives. When a scene is done, it is most crucial that a Domme take care of her sub, tend to him physically and emotionally to make sure he transitions back to his normal state from whatever sub space he entered. Although a submissive exists to please his Domme, she in turn wants to please him.

We all realize by now (or at least I hope we do) that men are different from women. Men are much more physical animals. They are sexually focused. I propose that a Domme who is able to pay tribute to this sexuality, to provide a loving hand to her sub to meet his kinky needs, is honoring that sexual identity. She's not minimizing or objectifying the man, but being honest about his sexual focus. Meeting him on the terms that feed an important part of his soul. And isn't feeding the soul the stuff of romance? Although not all BDSM is sexual, there's ususally a sexual edge to it, and I am most interested in committed, loving, romantic BDSM relationships that include sex because that is what I write.

In my latest release, Fettered Love, my heroine, Sarah, cares deeply for Evan, her submissive lover from years ago. She crafts a careful scene to help him face his emotional injuries from the past. And when the tender, soft domination scene doesn't work, she knows her lover enough to go harder, edgier, to help him to his catharsis. The very epitome of tough love (grin). She's romantic in her honesty and devotion to helping Evan heal, no matter what it takes. I've posted the blurb below. This is a story of love rekindled between three former friends who had discovered BDSM together over a decade ago in college. I hope you enjoy this book, and the innately romantic focus of BDSM.

blurbs:

Controlling Interest

Mozelle “Mouse” Vincent inherits money, a club and her boss’ son as a business partner when society leader Regine Stuart dies. Torin Stuart knows what his late mother’s wishes were for his exclusive BDSM club, Erotically Bound, but he’s pissed that he’s forced to trust Mouse—especially when her inherently submissive nature arouses the sexual Dominant in him.

After baring all in a heated, intense scene, Mouse realizes they still have to work together, but now Tor challenges any business suggestion she makes. When she wants to offer education classes, Tor dares her to organize the class and participate—as a submissive.

To his chagrin, Mouse agrees, but he can’t stand the thought of any other Dom touching her. Suddenly there’s far more at stake than the controlling interest in their club…because love is the ultimate prize in their power exchange.

Fettered Love

Kirk, Master to his long-time lover Evan, decides it’s time to place his permanent collar around Evan’s sexy cock. But when he proposes, he faces a surprise. Evan wants a child. So where will they find a kinky woman to help?

A mysterious card with the 1-800-DOM-help number advertises assistance for unusual problems in the BDSM community. When Evan calls, he recognizes the voice of Sarah—Kirk’s best friend from childhood, Evan’s Mistress of several years in college. They both loved her and suffered betrayal when she walked out of their lives.

Now she proposes to be the mother of their child. No strings, just a chance to have the men she respects and loves back in her life. Evan embraces the idea while Kirk rages with mistrust.

At Evan’s request, they share one night of passion, Kirk and Sarah working together to dominate Evan in the scene of his erotic fantasies, hoping it will be enough to rekindle trust and make all their dreams come true.

Wednesday Whips: Motivated by My New Cover!

Finally, here is the cover for my 1-800-DOM-help release, Fettered Love. I'm partial to it although I'm not a lover of latex myself. I'm the leather type. Fettered Love is due for release on Friday, January 28th. Just around the corner. Here's the book blurb for your reading enjoyment:

Kirk, Master to his long-time lover Evan, decides it's time to place his permanent collar around Evan's sexy cock. But when he proposes he faces a surprise. Evan wants a child. So where will they find a kinky woman to help?

A mysterious card with the 1-800-DOM-help number advertises assistance for unusual problems in the BDSM community. When Evan calls he recognizes the voice of the Mistress from their past. Sarah--Kirk's best friend from childhood--Evan's Mistress of several years in college. They loved her and suffered betrayal when she walked out of their lives.

Now she proposes to be the mother of their child. No strings, just a chance to have the men she respected and loved back in her life. Evan embraces the idea while Kirk rages with mistrust.

At Evan's request they share one night of passion, Kirk and Sarah working together to dominate Evan in the scene of his erotic fantasies. But will it be enough to rekindle trust and make all their dreams come true?

So if you pick it up, please tell me what you think. It's the first contemporary I've written. Although I find real life, no matter how mundane, always contains just a lick of magic. *wink*

Safe, sane and consensual

Michelle