The ABCs of BDSM

More and more erotic romances today deal with the world of BDSM, an acronym that represents bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. But the “life” has a glossary of terms all t’s own, so today I thought I’d let you in on what a few of them mean. A kind of roadmap for you to use the next time you read a BDSM romance.

BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.

D/s (Dominance and submission) includes master and slave role-playing scenarios.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

Black sheet party: An orgy for people into BDSM sex.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: one who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the one-done-to rather than the do-er.

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules - essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dominant” A person who exercises control - contrast with submissive

Domme: Woman who exercises control.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Fire play: Creative uses of heat.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

Safe, sane and consensual - (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play.

Safeword - A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop - used especially in scenes which may involve consensual force.

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate. It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's wellbeing if they are in subspace.

switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total power exchange: a relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Be sure to check out the entire 1-800-DOMHelp series. And visit my web site at www.desireeholt.com.

Subspace has nothing to do with a submarine

When one of my editors asked me to write a novella about subspace I thought, hmm. I’ve heard so much about it but never really studied it. So like everything else, I set out to research it. My first question was: what the hell is subspace actually? I can assure you, it has nothing to do with being in a submarine.

Subspace is a collection of things, depending on who you ask. One definition describes it as a state in which the body and mind are turned on and over-stimulated to the point where extreme levels of pain become pleasurable. the sub enters into a natural occurring trance separating mind and body and it takes a observant Dom to recognize and handle.

Another says subspace is a metaphor for the state the bottom's mind and body is in during a deeply involved play scene. Many types of BDSM play invoke strong physical responses, for example in the use of whips or canes The psychological aspect of BDSM also causes many bottoms to mentally separate themselves from their environment as they process the experience. Deep subspace is often characterized as a state of deep recession and incoherence. A good Dom pays careful attention to the sub to make sure the bottom isn't placing him or her self in danger. Many bottoms require aftercare while returning from subspace.

For
some, it’s the sensation of being out of the body and away from the
events that are going on. This detachment from the body causes the
slave to be able to ‘take’ more pain and more verbal attacks from a
Dominant, often also resulting in the slave complying with every
wish without hesitation or without any resistance. The slave is
sort of a ‘super slave’ at this point – able to do everything that
their Dominant wishes of them.

Another idea is that subspace is the point at which the body begins
to produce endorphins in order to fend off physical pain. This
 rush of chemicals in the body makes the slave feel good and allows
them to forget about anything that might be uncomfortable. Their
brains are telling them that all is right with the world. This
feeling can continue from the scene into the moments and hours
after the scene is over.

During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense.

Since the increase of hormones and chemicals produces a sort of trance-like state, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissives, upon reaching a height of subspace, will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimulus causes the period to prolong.

The physiological and psychological descent from total consciousness to the relaxing, uninhibited plane that is sub-space can be mind-blowing - indeed, mind-expanding - especially the first time it happens.

It’s the BDSM equivalent of “going to your happy place.”

And for some, it’s extremely happy.

Is it lunch or munch? or both?

Two years ago as I was immersing myself in BDSM research I discovered a neat social activity–a munch. What, you might say, is a munch? I have since discovered that a lot of people (including one final line editor) thought I meant lunch. Nope. Uh uh./ This is a great social activity, an informal gathering of people who have a common interest in BDSM. They are usually held in restaurants, in a special or private room so privacy is protected. They are usually informal affairs, with a loose structure, and are publicized online so people can find them.

Want to dip your toes into the BDSM waters? This might be a good place to start.

Munches were started in the early 1990s by people interested in the life who were online (this was before the Internet went viral). As the Internet grew in popularity the idea caught on and gatherings began to be organized at cities all across the country. And they continue to expand.

People who attend munches are usually intelligent, imaginative and very individualistic. It’s their interest in BDSM that draws them together. Some munches are arranged for people with specific interests or fetishes. Others can be for specific age groups. Or they can be just an all-out gathering. There is always a designated host who controls and arranges the event. If this is your first time and there are specific protocols to follow, someone will greet you as a newbie and make sure you understand.

What should you wear? Not something highly informal if you want to make a good first impression, but nice casual clothing works. Also all black. Dressing in fetish clothing may not be appropriate unless you’ve been told otherwise. On the other hand, don't be too surprised if you see people wearing items of black leather clothing or footwear, and please try to not look too shocked if you see someone happily eating and chatting away while wearing a collar of leather or steel locked around their neck.

Some people use special names for when they are in the scene. Many use scene-related jargon to let others now what their special interests are.

One last ting to remember. Be aware that the privacy of attendees is always protected. People who come to munches are interacting in a highly personal aspect of their lives. Because protecting the privacy of attendees is so important, it can be discourteous to ask someone direct, specific questions about what they do for a living, what company they work for, details about where they live, if they're in a committed relationship, and so forth. It's fine if they volunteer such information. The rule: when in doubt keep your mouth shut!!!! Violating the confidentiality rule can get you shunned and banned.

So, if you’ve had a craving to check out the scene and want a social environment in which to do it, just Google munches in your area and enjoy!

Be sure to check out all the 1-800-DOMHelp stories, and come visit me at www.desireeholt.com

Fetish Friday: Liberate Me!

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1-800-WHO?????

I know...

A help line for Doms? You're kidding, right? Well...not exactly.

As writers we spend a lot of time in the "what if" world. Because of that, when one of our number came across a similar phone number to the one this blog is based on, her first thought was:

What if this were a real number?

She tossed that out to the Ellora’s Cave Authors loop. From the discussion generated there based on:

• What if a Dom/me has a sub that he/she is reaching, but not on the level he really wants to?
• What if a sub wants more of a connection with his Dom/me but doesn't know how to tell him/her?


Well...what if...A mysterious club called Unfettered, staffed by a club manager named Dru, a doorman named Hayden, and two bartenders was the answer to your questions?

What is your entree into this club? A business card. You call that number and you will get an answer to your "what if."

That's what Harte Donovan does. He's a cop. Straight-laced and deep in the closet. During the course of his investigation into a murder, he meets flamboyant out-to-everyone submissive Ramey Nichols. What's a Dom to do when he meets the perfect sub? Take over, of course!

Harte will discover a side of himself he knew existed but that he'd never really explored. Ramey will discover the bliss of finding the perfect Master. Readers will discover a whole new world in the 1-800-DOM-help series.


BLURB: Harte Donovan has a problem. A murder leads to him wanting a sexy stripper bound and naked in front of him. He can’t let his secret desires ruin his career as a detective. But when he’s given a mysterious business card, Harte discovers a side of himself he intends to fully embrace.

Ramey Nichols strips for a living and he’s not willing to pretend to be something he’s not. When this sexy submissive meets the closeted cop and unwitting Dom, something has got to give. That something might just be Ramey. Ramey knows what he wants, and more than that, finds himself Needing Harte.

Something to whet your appetite:

“There’s a selection of paddles on the wall over there. Go pick one and bring it back to me.”

With a nod of his head, Ramey started toward the wall on his knees. “On your feet, I want to watch that ass.”
“Yes Sir.” With a smile he couldn’t hide, Ramey got to his feet and walked slowly toward the wall, looking at his choices as he went. Paddles of every shape and size hung on pegs on the wall. Some were fur-lined, some had blunted spikes, some were made of wood, some of plastic.

Taking one off the wall, Ramey tested it against his upper thigh, slapping it hard but not as hard as he thought Harte would. The sting caused him to draw in a deep breath and, pleased with his choice, he turned to face his Master.

That particular thought stopped him in his tracks even as he devoured the sight of the sexy man reclining on the bed. Harte’s blond hair gleamed, his eyes were bright and a smile rested on those harsh features, making him look younger. Knowing he could easily commit to this man without ever even having sex with him caused Ramey’s feet to move forward. He reached Harte and knelt, presenting the paddle he’d chosen across both open palms and bowing his head.

Harte took the paddle from him as he sat up. “Up here. Put that sexy body right here. Wait. Lose the G-string. I want to see that cock.”

Slipping the G-string off, Ramey felt his dick bounce. He barely resisted stroking himself as he looked at Harte’s face. Harte’s eyes had narrowed a little and his mouth opened as he licked his lips. Harte reached forward and cupped Ramey’s balls, squeezing them once, then again before releasing them to stroke Ramey’s prick. “No hair, huh? I figured as much when I saw you onstage, but wasn’t positive.”

“Hairless works better under costumes, Sir.”

“Hmmm….Now, across my legs, sub. Five swats to start and we’ll see where we are.”

You can read a longer excerpt here. Want to cut to the chase and just buy the book? Go here.

Books in this series include something with a little foreplay from Ari Thatcher, Commanding Acquisitions from Christine d’Abo, something desirable from Desiree Holt, something with dangerous curves from Francesca Hawley and something to scorch your soul from Michelle Polaris.

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To be entered to win a totebag full of Romanticon goodies, leave a comment telling why you would or would not call 1-800-DOM-help. Winner will be announced October 15th.