The ABCs of BDSM

More and more erotic romances today deal with the world of BDSM, an acronym that represents bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. But the “life” has a glossary of terms all t’s own, so today I thought I’d let you in on what a few of them mean. A kind of roadmap for you to use the next time you read a BDSM romance.

BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.

D/s (Dominance and submission) includes master and slave role-playing scenarios.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

Black sheet party: An orgy for people into BDSM sex.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: one who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the one-done-to rather than the do-er.

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules - essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dominant” A person who exercises control - contrast with submissive

Domme: Woman who exercises control.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Fire play: Creative uses of heat.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

Safe, sane and consensual - (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play.

Safeword - A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop - used especially in scenes which may involve consensual force.

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate. It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's wellbeing if they are in subspace.

switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total power exchange: a relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Be sure to check out the entire 1-800-DOMHelp series. And visit my web site at www.desireeholt.com.

Is it lunch or munch? or both?

Two years ago as I was immersing myself in BDSM research I discovered a neat social activity–a munch. What, you might say, is a munch? I have since discovered that a lot of people (including one final line editor) thought I meant lunch. Nope. Uh uh./ This is a great social activity, an informal gathering of people who have a common interest in BDSM. They are usually held in restaurants, in a special or private room so privacy is protected. They are usually informal affairs, with a loose structure, and are publicized online so people can find them.

Want to dip your toes into the BDSM waters? This might be a good place to start.

Munches were started in the early 1990s by people interested in the life who were online (this was before the Internet went viral). As the Internet grew in popularity the idea caught on and gatherings began to be organized at cities all across the country. And they continue to expand.

People who attend munches are usually intelligent, imaginative and very individualistic. It’s their interest in BDSM that draws them together. Some munches are arranged for people with specific interests or fetishes. Others can be for specific age groups. Or they can be just an all-out gathering. There is always a designated host who controls and arranges the event. If this is your first time and there are specific protocols to follow, someone will greet you as a newbie and make sure you understand.

What should you wear? Not something highly informal if you want to make a good first impression, but nice casual clothing works. Also all black. Dressing in fetish clothing may not be appropriate unless you’ve been told otherwise. On the other hand, don't be too surprised if you see people wearing items of black leather clothing or footwear, and please try to not look too shocked if you see someone happily eating and chatting away while wearing a collar of leather or steel locked around their neck.

Some people use special names for when they are in the scene. Many use scene-related jargon to let others now what their special interests are.

One last ting to remember. Be aware that the privacy of attendees is always protected. People who come to munches are interacting in a highly personal aspect of their lives. Because protecting the privacy of attendees is so important, it can be discourteous to ask someone direct, specific questions about what they do for a living, what company they work for, details about where they live, if they're in a committed relationship, and so forth. It's fine if they volunteer such information. The rule: when in doubt keep your mouth shut!!!! Violating the confidentiality rule can get you shunned and banned.

So, if you’ve had a craving to check out the scene and want a social environment in which to do it, just Google munches in your area and enjoy!

Be sure to check out all the 1-800-DOMHelp stories, and come visit me at www.desireeholt.com

Curiosity can be a great thing

It led me to learn a lot more about the BDSM lifestyle which is almost a constant thread in my stories.

When I first began writing about BDSM I had an almost insatiable curiosity about the lifestyle, the people involved in it and how it offered a new level of sexual satisfaction. I discovered two things: more people are involved in the life than I imagined and it is far more complex than I could have even anticipated. But the more I studied it, the more absorbed in it I became. I also discovered that the key to it all is a level of trust very often missing from other relationships – a trust that really deepens the relationship.

Recently I had several online conversations with some couples involved in one form of BDSM known as the master/slave relationship. This a form of total power exchange, because one person gives another ultimate authority over them. And that certainly requires a deep level of trust. The Dominant is either Master (male) or Mistress (female).

In BDSM, a slave is a specific type of submissive. The master/slave relationship refers to the relationship between the individuals involved, and does not necessarily require any specific acts, sexual or otherwise, though sexual activity is usually an aspect of the relationship. The sexual aspect could be conventional, and not necessarily BDSM. A slave could also be a masochist or bottom, but this is not always the case.

For some the relationship is sexual roleplay, while others enter into the relationship on the basis of a highly committed, long-term, submissive lifestyle. The difference between submissive and slave is the degree of submission, but many see the difference as being conceptual. For example, some slaves may not have a naturally submissive personality, but choose to surrender their will and volition to another.

In some instances people celebrate the commitment to the relationship with a collaring ceremony, which can be simple or elaborate and friends are usually invited. The collar can be anything from a necklace to a bracelet or other piece of symbolic jewelry. These are generally not removed unless or until the relationship is dissolved.

The one thing everyone I spoke to was emphatic about was the level of trust in the relationship and incredible sense of satisfaction it gave them. I want to thank everyone (nameless, of course) who shared information with me. And you can be sure that this will be a major part of the plot in an upcoming story.

Meanwhile please check out my books at www.desireeholt.com

Fetish Friday: Liberate Me!

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Ethical Paradigms In The BDSM Community: Safe, Sane Consensual and Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Guest post By Deborah Isadora Wade, MSW

We are delighted to have Deborah Isadora Wade, MSW here with us at 1-800-Dom-help!

Deborah Isadora Wade is a fiery, flawed and fabulous femme. She has been part of the Leather community for over ten years. A proud member of Alameda County Leather Corps, she is Ms. Alameda County Leather 2009. For two years she was Secretary of The Exiles: San Francisco. She is a member Mama’s Family as Mama’s Dragondancer. Retiring from social work in 1999, she was a college instructor at the University of Minnesota and The Women's Theological Institute. She was awarded a National Community Service Medal, presented by Eli Wiesel and President Clinton, for her work in building collaborations and her 30 years of work with homeless families, domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. She was a columnist for Lavender Press (Minneapolis/St. Paul) and Of A Like Mind. She is Co-Author of Partners in Change: Building Collaboration, a book on moving organizations from networking to full collaborative ventures. Deborah infrequently (related to her elder status and semi-retirement) writes for Leatherati. Deborah loves anything that sparkles, social gatherings, dancing, and organizing. She may have a wee shoe fetish, umm collection.

Today she is sharing the differences between SSC and RACK.

SSC: Safe Sane Consensual

When I entered the BDSM community over ten years ago, the community had been working a long time to bring ethical behavior into its paradigm. I was taught the mantra, “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”, the “Stop, Drop, and Roll” of the BDSM community. According to David Stein, who developed the phrase, SSC was intended to be a minimum standard for ethical BDSM. It was meant to establish a distinction between play and the perception of sadomasochism as an abusive behavior.

Safe
Safe meant I took care not to harm anyone, to not spread sexually transmitted diseases and to educate myself on both techniques and personal growth. What areas on the body can be hit without harming someone? How do I keep someone’s mental and physical self safe? How do I provide care after play? Safe words and signals were developed. I was taught the basic safety of “Yellow” meaning slow down or pause and “Red” meaning stop that activity or scene. Learning about safe applications of toys is vital for keeping me and my play partner(s) emotionally, physically and mentally protected.

Sane
Trust is a vital principle when it comes to letting someone hurt me because I like it, or to submit to me by exchanging a power dynamic. Sane is about self control. Sane is about self knowledge. It is about never losing awareness of yourself, your body and your stability. It is more than just trusting your Dominant or submissive (D/s); it is about trusting yourself, knowing your limits and boundaries. Sane is about boundaries. Sane is realizing what your needs are, what your rules are, what your “no’s” are and where you draw your personal line in the sand. Sane also respects consent.

Consensual
The move to consent happens when individuals want to play together in certain ways, within set parameters and with agreed upon toys. Both SSC and RACK have consent as their foundation. I negotiate a lot when I consent to play or dominate someone. “Are you interested in playing with me?” when asked politely may be respectfully answered with a “Yes” or “Let’s talk” or a “No, I am really not here to play tonight.” Whatever my answer, it is valued. I need to hear out loud that “Yes, you may (fill in the blank).” Consent for D/s may be in the form of service or play. Consent for some is Master/slave (M/s) and the person chooses to be owned. Consent is because you want to play; you want to be tied up, teased with a feather or a flogger and brought to sexual fulfillment. Consent means knowledge. Consent means approval. Consent means permission to play with me within these limits and boundaries we have agreed upon.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink

Safe, Sane and Consensual worked. As in all communities, we evaluated and looked at our own behavior and practices to develop a more comprehensive and realistic paradigm for ourselves. I don’t see SSC and RACK as a contrast but more as a deepening of the understanding and importance of our play. Some see RACK beliefs as closer to their practices and more realistic. Nothing is truly safe and the risk is an essential part of the buzz. Risk is lowered by skill development but it is still risk. So in 1999, Gary Switch proposed the term RACK.

Risk Aware
Nothing can be 100% safe. We do not have a robot following us around, waving his arms spouting, “Danger, Will Robinson.” Risk aware means everyone involved is aware of the threat or hazards that may occur. Everyone plays differently. Each of us has our limits and consideration of where the “edge” of our particular play cliff is located. There is no safe or not safe there are only degrees of each. Accidents happen. Needles break. Floggers slip in your hand. Earthquakes shake your bondage bed. Your mother comes to visit and you need to hide the eyehooks. It is all about being risk aware.

Consensual
Consensual encompasses all of the same parameters as the SSC paradigm but with RACK the ethical paradigm consents to and acknowledges the risk inherent in some play.

Kink
I see kink as the overall term for alternative sex in our community. It means twisted for a reason. Kink is living my most deviant and bizarre needs out in a sexual or non-sexual manner. Kink is the overall word I use in community to describe general preferences. If I am kinky, I probably like more than just missionary position in my sexual life. If I am kinky I may like sex in places I might get caught because it heightens the endorphins and makes me wet. If I am kinky I may like to kiss one person while another is at my feet kissing my toes. If I am kinky I may be pushing someone against a wall, tearing off their clothes and running a whip across their shoulders. All are alternative sexual experiences that some see as abnormal or beyond the standard of sexuality as they know it. Kink includes BDSM. Or BDSM includes kink.

So RACK becomes a more realistic expression of being safely aware of my ability to practice self control and consent. We expand our beliefs to realize that all forms of pleasure need ethical paradigms to keep us healthy and from harm. Either way it is more inclusive of all the forms of delightful unexpected sweet release!

Websites to explore for more information:

• SOJ is a not-for-profit, all volunteer, San Francisco-based education and support organization devoted to the art of safe, consensual and non-exploitative BDSM.
• Leatherati explores the unique lifestyle of contests and titleholders, travel and events, dining and drinking, entertainment and shopping and of course, news and opinions around the Leather (mostly GLBTQI) community.
• Informed Consent is the leading website about BDSM in the UK.
• Black Rose is a support, education, and social group for adults who share these interests.