Well, Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally

Okay, don't call me Sally. That's a hard limit. But there will be a certain amount of ass-smacking going on at RomantiCon 2011, and I for one can't wait (Perverse, I know...and hey, perverted! The two don't always overlap like that, so I call that a win). The occasion? The 1-800-DOM-help authors will be giving a presentation at the 'Con on "BDSM from Top to Bottom"...with demonstrations! And I volunteered to be the whipping girl, since that's the kind of girl I am. I volunteered pretty quickly and shamelessly, in fact. Rumors that I pushed other volunteers out of the way in my enthusiasm are entirely unsubstantiated, however. Nobody can prove a thing.

Thinking about this whole shindig recently prompted me to add "glutton for punishment" to my Twitter profile (I was totally talking about homeschooling my pre-teen but we'll just pretend it's about the whole smacking deal). Because I really am looking forward to it, particularly to finding out how a flogging feels when it's delivered by somebody OTHER than the person who's been delivering them for lo these many years. And it's also a very relaxing activity for me (no, seriously) although I don't know how relaxing I'll find it in front of a room full of people. I have no problem with public speaking, or with acting on a stage, but the only time I've ever done anything BDSM-related in public was in a stage production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show (and I was portraying a naughty-schoolteacher dominatrix. Seriously).

My main concern in all this? Well, as I'm going to have the aforementioned roomful of people looking in the vicinity of my tush, my big worry is finding/borrowing a pair of pants that don't make my ass look weird and/or lumpy. Other than that I'm pretty cool with it.

As long as nobody actually calls me Sally.

Lock up that cock

I'm at work on my 1-800-DOM-help novella which I call Leather Becomes Her. I hope to get it done in the next few weeks. It was a slow start but I have been writing up a storm for the past few days. I'm in a groove with it.

In the synopsis of the story there is a BDSM device used which is sort of pivotal to the story: a Gates of Hell. Actually it is much more specific, a locking Gates of Hell. I was told by a Domme friend there was no such thing. Oh I beg to differ. Below is a 5 Gates of Hell. Pretty basic in structure...not locking. Gates of hell can also have rubber rings or leather straps and can vary in the number of gates from 3 to 7. Personally I think the funniest part is the D ring for a leash attachment. Heh.

Now take a look at a locking Gates of Hell: 

Pretty intimidating isn't it? And you thought the regular one looked uncomfortable. This one can be worn for hours...days. This is the locking Gates of Hell...the kind I am using in my current 1-800-DOM-help novella. Intrigued? LOL

What is a Gates of Hell used for? Well obviously it is a chastity device. Use can range for a session to hours to days. Chastity is a powerful tool in controlling a submissive man. Tease him, he gets hard but can't obtain a full erection while wearing the device. Try torturing him for a while and see how submissive he can become. Some Dommes use chastity like this to make sure their subs don't do any self pleasuring without permission. (All about control!) Can you imagine a house slave boy naked except for this while cleaning your bathroom? (Damn, I wish!)

Do submissive men want this contraption on their cock? Yeah, a lot of them do. Believe it. They love the idea of their cock owned by a Mistress. Only she can release him. Only she holds the key. Very much a power play here. For a true submissive man the humiliation alone is a huge turn on. He's slapped into a Gates of Hell as soon as he walks into his Mistress's presence, wondering if he will be released once she is through using him as her toy. Wouldn't it be a pity if he was used, all excited and wanting to come and then denied release from the Gates? (hahahaha)

No, I do not own a locking Gates of Hell. It is for the book, people. It is a big reason why I am liking writing BDSM anymore, I can use a piece of equipment like this to enhance the story and intensity of emotions between the hero and heroine. Besides, it makes me laugh as I write. Yes, I do have a sadistic streak.


Marianne LaCroix
www.mariannelacroix.com
http://mariannelacroix.blogspot.com

*This post appeared originally on my blog.

Fantasy Domme

Saturday I was very excited to have my swag for the Romantic Times conference delivered. I found these adorable fetish key chains. They have mini floggers or paddles on them and I hope they will be a big hit with a certain crowd of the attendees(or maybe just the curious). I was not surprised by the picture on the cover of the box they came in, but I was annoyed by it. It obviously was designed with the straight non-sub guy in mind. The woman is a sex kitten kind of fantasy Domme, hardly the way I look or the way any Domme I know looks. It’s a variation of the schizophrenic way that many men view women anyway – the virgin whore. What they picture is a Domme who looks the way they picture a sub. There’s no power in the image. It’s certainly not what a true male sub is looking for. Oh, well, the world is run by straight, non-fetish men.

The key chains are still adorable.

Sam

Ethical Paradigms In The BDSM Community: Safe, Sane Consensual and Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Guest post By Deborah Isadora Wade, MSW

We are delighted to have Deborah Isadora Wade, MSW here with us at 1-800-Dom-help!

Deborah Isadora Wade is a fiery, flawed and fabulous femme. She has been part of the Leather community for over ten years. A proud member of Alameda County Leather Corps, she is Ms. Alameda County Leather 2009. For two years she was Secretary of The Exiles: San Francisco. She is a member Mama’s Family as Mama’s Dragondancer. Retiring from social work in 1999, she was a college instructor at the University of Minnesota and The Women's Theological Institute. She was awarded a National Community Service Medal, presented by Eli Wiesel and President Clinton, for her work in building collaborations and her 30 years of work with homeless families, domestic violence and sexual assault survivors. She was a columnist for Lavender Press (Minneapolis/St. Paul) and Of A Like Mind. She is Co-Author of Partners in Change: Building Collaboration, a book on moving organizations from networking to full collaborative ventures. Deborah infrequently (related to her elder status and semi-retirement) writes for Leatherati. Deborah loves anything that sparkles, social gatherings, dancing, and organizing. She may have a wee shoe fetish, umm collection.

Today she is sharing the differences between SSC and RACK.

SSC: Safe Sane Consensual

When I entered the BDSM community over ten years ago, the community had been working a long time to bring ethical behavior into its paradigm. I was taught the mantra, “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”, the “Stop, Drop, and Roll” of the BDSM community. According to David Stein, who developed the phrase, SSC was intended to be a minimum standard for ethical BDSM. It was meant to establish a distinction between play and the perception of sadomasochism as an abusive behavior.

Safe
Safe meant I took care not to harm anyone, to not spread sexually transmitted diseases and to educate myself on both techniques and personal growth. What areas on the body can be hit without harming someone? How do I keep someone’s mental and physical self safe? How do I provide care after play? Safe words and signals were developed. I was taught the basic safety of “Yellow” meaning slow down or pause and “Red” meaning stop that activity or scene. Learning about safe applications of toys is vital for keeping me and my play partner(s) emotionally, physically and mentally protected.

Sane
Trust is a vital principle when it comes to letting someone hurt me because I like it, or to submit to me by exchanging a power dynamic. Sane is about self control. Sane is about self knowledge. It is about never losing awareness of yourself, your body and your stability. It is more than just trusting your Dominant or submissive (D/s); it is about trusting yourself, knowing your limits and boundaries. Sane is about boundaries. Sane is realizing what your needs are, what your rules are, what your “no’s” are and where you draw your personal line in the sand. Sane also respects consent.

Consensual
The move to consent happens when individuals want to play together in certain ways, within set parameters and with agreed upon toys. Both SSC and RACK have consent as their foundation. I negotiate a lot when I consent to play or dominate someone. “Are you interested in playing with me?” when asked politely may be respectfully answered with a “Yes” or “Let’s talk” or a “No, I am really not here to play tonight.” Whatever my answer, it is valued. I need to hear out loud that “Yes, you may (fill in the blank).” Consent for D/s may be in the form of service or play. Consent for some is Master/slave (M/s) and the person chooses to be owned. Consent is because you want to play; you want to be tied up, teased with a feather or a flogger and brought to sexual fulfillment. Consent means knowledge. Consent means approval. Consent means permission to play with me within these limits and boundaries we have agreed upon.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink

Safe, Sane and Consensual worked. As in all communities, we evaluated and looked at our own behavior and practices to develop a more comprehensive and realistic paradigm for ourselves. I don’t see SSC and RACK as a contrast but more as a deepening of the understanding and importance of our play. Some see RACK beliefs as closer to their practices and more realistic. Nothing is truly safe and the risk is an essential part of the buzz. Risk is lowered by skill development but it is still risk. So in 1999, Gary Switch proposed the term RACK.

Risk Aware
Nothing can be 100% safe. We do not have a robot following us around, waving his arms spouting, “Danger, Will Robinson.” Risk aware means everyone involved is aware of the threat or hazards that may occur. Everyone plays differently. Each of us has our limits and consideration of where the “edge” of our particular play cliff is located. There is no safe or not safe there are only degrees of each. Accidents happen. Needles break. Floggers slip in your hand. Earthquakes shake your bondage bed. Your mother comes to visit and you need to hide the eyehooks. It is all about being risk aware.

Consensual
Consensual encompasses all of the same parameters as the SSC paradigm but with RACK the ethical paradigm consents to and acknowledges the risk inherent in some play.

Kink
I see kink as the overall term for alternative sex in our community. It means twisted for a reason. Kink is living my most deviant and bizarre needs out in a sexual or non-sexual manner. Kink is the overall word I use in community to describe general preferences. If I am kinky, I probably like more than just missionary position in my sexual life. If I am kinky I may like sex in places I might get caught because it heightens the endorphins and makes me wet. If I am kinky I may like to kiss one person while another is at my feet kissing my toes. If I am kinky I may be pushing someone against a wall, tearing off their clothes and running a whip across their shoulders. All are alternative sexual experiences that some see as abnormal or beyond the standard of sexuality as they know it. Kink includes BDSM. Or BDSM includes kink.

So RACK becomes a more realistic expression of being safely aware of my ability to practice self control and consent. We expand our beliefs to realize that all forms of pleasure need ethical paradigms to keep us healthy and from harm. Either way it is more inclusive of all the forms of delightful unexpected sweet release!

Websites to explore for more information:

• SOJ is a not-for-profit, all volunteer, San Francisco-based education and support organization devoted to the art of safe, consensual and non-exploitative BDSM.
• Leatherati explores the unique lifestyle of contests and titleholders, travel and events, dining and drinking, entertainment and shopping and of course, news and opinions around the Leather (mostly GLBTQI) community.
• Informed Consent is the leading website about BDSM in the UK.
• Black Rose is a support, education, and social group for adults who share these interests.