Research Geeks UNITE!

When I'm not writing, I work as a librarian. For me, research is as natural as breathing. I attended RT (the Romantic Times Convention) this past April and I had the opportunity to hit two adult/fetish stores in Columbus, Ohio - The Garden and The Chamber. While my companions reviewed some of the leather goods and glass dildos, I was pouring over the books. In fact, at The Chamber alone, I spent about $300 books on research books. (Hmmm - Del - does that mean I have a fetish? grin).

I bought The Topping Book. The Bottoming Book. And a whole lot of other books on BDSM. Books that aren't typically on the shelves at Barnes and Noble or Borders. When I was working on my contribution to the 1-800-DOM-help series, I needed to find books about rope bondage. I don't have any direct experience with rope bondage (except for finding it very hot), so I went to my trusty local adult emporium, Christal's in West Des Moines, Iowa. I love this place, and I knew I'd seen rope bondage books there. I was right.

I picked up some excellent items while I was shopping:

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori (photographed by Craig Morey) is truly awesome. The book is published by Greenery Press which bills itself as "reading for the sexually adventurous."

The photography is beautiful. Very evocative and sensual. The description of the bondage techniques are pretty clear. I think if you were a complete novice, it would help to see the techniques via video rather than in a book, but this book really does a good job of getting the concepts across. 

The first thing I used to get a "feel" for rope bondage was a video called How to Perform Rope Bondage produced by the Educational Sex Series. This movie was awesome for watching an experienced top tie up a sub. This is strictly an instructional video, but it served the purpose.

I also picked up two books created by Two Knotty Boys - Showing you the Ropes and Back on the Ropes are published by Green Candy Press. These are awesome books with the express intent of demonstrating rope techniques. Showing you the Ropes is primarily black and white, but Back on the Ropes has plenty of color pics. Either way, there are a lot of images that detail the steps in tying up your lover.

Both books explain rope bondage safety and cover basic knot tying. They progress pretty quickly to complicated techniques. I think I might get lost if I tried to tie some of them, but they are really gorgeous to look at. If the person using the book is more adept at knots than I am, I think they'd progress at a good speed.

BTW - I found Back on the Ropes at...Barnes and Noble. Really. So while these topics may not typically be found at "mainstream" book stores, always check, cause you just never know!

Do you have any favorite research books about BDSM? Any recommendations for books (on ANY topic) that I should check out? I'm always open to more research. Just ask anybody! LOL

Fetish Friday: Safe Search is OFF.

“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.”

- Alfred Kinsey

If you’d told me ten or even five years ago that I would ever be composing a blog post with the theme “Fetish Friday” I would have definitely asked for some of whatever you were smoking. But then again, if you’d told me five years ago that I would be celebrating my fifth book release, I’d have started demanding your keys and finding you a designated driver. And yet here I am, backlist under my belt, fixing to write a little something about fetishes. Or as one of our happy, kinky crew here at 1-800-DOM-help describes them, “the things that make us sweat”! 

We all know Rule 34 of the Internet (whatever it is, there is porn of it). Think of anything - anything at all - and not only is somebody somewhere turned on by it, but there is probably a discussion group or forum devoted entirely to that subject. Heck, there may even be a national convention. People who like to have sex wearing bunny slippers. People who like to have sex with bunny slippers. People who like to have sex (or perhaps even live their day-to-day lives) dressed up in full-on bunny suits. It's all out there, and so much more [Do not even get me started on the growing prevalence of tentacle porn and eel-related fetish videos. Oh, and by the way, you do not ever want to see my browser history]. 

The point is, people are turned on by all sorts of different things. Just about anything can be the focus of a fetish. If it’s something other than a typical sex toy (dildos and vibrators don’t count as fetish objects, no matter how we may adore them) and you are aroused by it, then it may be at the center of a sexual fetish. If you can't get aroused without it, of course, you know for sure. 

Of course the downside of all this variety is that people can develop fetishes centered around some very unsafe objects and/or activities (you’ll notice I’m not providing links to any of those). And for some people the focus on a sexual fetish can develop into a genuine paraphilic disorder (a fetish gone bad, essentially) if it’s causing them distress or causing others harm. 

But in a safe, sane, consensual environment, within the bounds of the law, exploring the world of fetishes can be good, clean or perhaps exquisitely dirty fun. And whether your interest is just casually kinky or truly focused, learning more about fetishes in general can teach you to see the entire world in a whole new light. Think outside the box. You may have sexual tastes you didn’t even know about! And even if you don’t, you can sure have a heck of a lot of fun finding out.

So stock up on condoms and lube, make sure your Safe Search is set to “Off,” and let your imagination soar. Or put on bunny slippers. Or roll around in chocolate pudding. Or cruise the produce aisle. 

Just please leave the eels out of it. 

What is the most unusual or intriguing fetish you've read about or come across? Let us know in the comments! 

Submissive What?

Like many of us here in the 1-800-DOM-help group, I find the interplay between a Dominant and submissive utterly fascinating. I think our society at large has a bit of a skewed perspective on what it means to be a submissive in a sexual relationship.

Submissive is seen as weak.

Yeah...no.

Just for fun I went over to the fountain of all knowledge...Wikipedia...and did a search for what they felt Submissive meant.

Submissiveness is the incidence or trait of voluntarily yielding to the will of another in an interpersonal relationship, or as a result of intimidation to some display of assertiveness or aggression by a partner. It can be found in everyday human and animal interactions.

Interesting. Let's keep reading, shall we.

In interpersonal relationships, some people prefer or are willing to adopt a submissive role in sexual activities or personal matters. The level and type of submission can vary from person to person, and from one context to another; and also is dependent on the other partner being willing to assume control in those situations. Some people can include occasional acts of submission in an otherwise conventional sex life, or adopt a submissive lifestyle.

What I like about this definition is the awareness of the range of submission that can be had in a sexual relationship. It's not all whips and chains people (though those can be a LOT of fun) and we should broaden our views of what submissiveness means in a sexual context. You can play Dom/sub games with a partner. It can spill into your day to day life...or never leave the bedroom.

The power in the Dom/sub relationship is with the sub. They are the ones who set limits (though some Doms have lines they won't cross as well) and they can halt the games as they go on.

It takes a lot of strength to give control to another person.

So what do you think?

Tuesday Toys - Bringing BDSM into Your Bedroom

Sometimes the easiest way to venture into BDSM is through toys. Handcuffs are a common accessory in many bedrooms, or silk ties. You can turn over control for the duration of the play without taking any life-changing steps.

Add a blindfold and you've increased the need for trust quite a bit. But, every sensation will be heightened by not being able to see it coming. Tension increases as you wait, wondering. Will your lover tease you with a feather? His tongue? Or maybe the startling roughness of a brush. Again, you've increased your body's reactions without giving up too much.

As your trust level increases you can introduce floggers, whip-like instruments with soft tails to add some sting. Or a paddle, if spanking is your thing. But the paddle can hurt if used too harshly, so discuss this with your partner thoroughly before use.

What about nipple clamps? Are you ready for a little pain?

Shopping together for your new toys can be foreplay just from imagining using the item. You can also find out limits and areas of interest you never suspected. These are both good to know before you bring your purchase home.

Do you have a favorite toy you're willing to confess to trying? Or one that's on your list to try? Do you enjoy reading about the toys a couple (or moresome) uses? A well-written sex scene can take away the need for toys, scenes and a partner, right? Because we all know the largest sex organ is the brain. Here's to stimulating your brain!

Ari Thatcher

Submissive Males are Hot!

Hi all,

I am on a mission to convince women that there is nothing hotter than a gorgeous alpha male going down on his knees and submitting to his woman. I know, I know, you want the strong man, the protective man, the man that other men respect. You can have that. Outside, he's going to be all of that for you and himself. But at home, he bends to your will, not just devoted to you, but trusts you to take charge. You're doing him a favor, really. All day long, he has to be the one to make the hard decisions and be responsible for other people. You take that obligation away from him for a little while. He can relax, let go. And frankly it helps if he's into a little pain, too.

Yeah, I'm one of those women that gets off on hearing a guy cry out in pain. What can I say, it's my sexual orientation to be a Domme. My fantasy man has always been a submissive alpha male who likes to ease his stress with a bit of pain now and again. I used to think I was some weird woman and there couldn't possibly be such a man as that. It's sounds like a total oxymoron. I know better now. There are a lot of guys out there with very stressful and important jobs who are desperate for discipline. A couple of years ago, I was meeting with some law colleagues (yep, I'm a lawyer) and this one woman I didn't know very well was lamenting how her brother had taken up with a Domme. When she happened to mention his name, I realized it was this brilliant, commanding lawyer I had worked with when I was junior associate. This guy was highly respected by everyone, especially other men with whom he regularly wiped the floor. The last I had heard, he'd been dating this nice, quiet woman who always did things his way. It seemed like the perfect fit for him, but no, he wanted a commanding woman. See, they are out there!

I want (and I am writing) more stories that show how erotic femdom can be. So, what do you all think? Can you wrap your mind around submissive alpha males?

Samantha Cayto