Home Sweet Home

Most books from the 1-800-DOM-help series at least partially feature the BDSM club Unfettered, the mysterious club that appears and disappears as needed to help our heroes and heroines find their kinky happily ever afters. I thought back to the BDSM stories I've read and the predominate number include a club or public party of one type or another as a device to move the story forward between protagonists.

So much of the on-line advice I've read to those just beginning to explore the kinky lifestyle is to get out there in public, meet others at like minded gatherings, and make real life friends and acquaintances. And if you have no partner in the lifestyle, and hope to acquire an actual physical relationship with one, this is good advice. But it discounts a lot of people out there who for one reason or another choose not to "go public." I'm not talking about outing oneself as kinky, but simply attending events (social or play) with others in the lifestyle. Some of these folks choose to keep their relationships on-line, at social networking sites like FetLife. Some conduct one-on-one on-line D/s relationships. Some interact in Second Life, finding virtual partners in what I understand to be a very active BDSM community there. And some already have partners at home, keeping their relationships, play and any choices about D/s dynamics private and learning what they need from books and their own experimentation.

All are legitimate choices, even if the private options do not lend themselves to the best plots for stories. But perhaps this means more challenge for a writer--to include the most engaging elements of a BDSM story, one or more of the characters discovering or redefining this element in their life for the first time, all in the privacy of their home and without outside "advisers" in the lifestyle. Hmmh? Sounds like I have some brainstorming to do.

The beauty of BDSM, alternative lifestyles and sexuality is that folks are finding what is right for them. No one has a market on the "way." All paths, as long as they are consensual choices between adults, can lead to joy and fulfillment.

Taking Care of a Top

Most (good) BDSM erotic romance stories make a point of showing how the Dom(me)s care for their submissives after their erotic scenes. This means both physical and emotional care. A Dominant checks for bodily harm, cleans her partner, rubs in needed ointments, makes sure he is hydrated, fed, snuggled and coddled if need be. A sub needs support, nuturing and affection after their endorphins have been flying and they've just experienced a highly dependent state. This is crucial because emotional "aftershocks" can happen following play scenes.

But what we don't read about as often is the existence of emotional aftershocks for the Doms or Tops. They exist. Tops have limits, too. And sometimes what they do in a scene, even if it has been mutually agreed upon by all participants and brings pleasure and satisfaction, causes doubts and questions to arise. Tops may experience guilt, shame and horror over being so turned on by their darker actions. And so the term "top drop" has been coined to refer to that time, maybe minutes, maybe a few days, after a scene when a Dominant may feel depressed or inadequate, full of self-doubt or questioning their sanity. Was the sub really turned on or just faking it to be nice?

Let's not forget that the rush of endorphins happen for the Top as well. The intensity of a scene, the experience of falling into such a complete role, and being closely in tune with the submissive's emotional roller coaster ride, does a number on a Dominant's own chemicals. That is why the power of a BDSM scene is amazing, because of the connection it can foster. Yet this means a Dom is vulnerable to the same post-endorphin drop as a submissive.

It's crucial that a Top reach out for support as well. They can reach out to the bottom with whom they played or just to good friends in the BDSM community. Tops deserve the same support as bottoms. Crafting a healthy scene comes with a lot of responsibility and burden. It can be exhausting at times. And we don't want to burn out good Dominants. Think of all of the fun the subbies will be missing.

Safe, sane and consensual,
Michelle