Sunday, February 27, 2011

Power Dynamics of the Male Stripper

Last night I went to a strip club as I do whenever I am out of town and looking for a little fun. As it happens, I was in San Antonio visiting Desiree Holt and Allie Standifer. I dragged Allie to a few hours of sin and sitting there watching the guys on stage and how the women in the club interacted with them, we remarked on the dynamics. Strippers by trade are providing a service, a pretty show to arouse the women in the audience. One of the things I love about strip clubs is how as a Domme I can exercise a little control over a sexy boy without breaking a sweat or breaking my marriage vows. My dear husband knows well how hot and bothered I am after my clubbing experiences. I get some fun; he gets some hot sex.

When I pay a stripper for a lap dance, it's a power play. I know that he's going to do what pleases me (within limits, of course) because I am paying him to do so. I'm okay with the obvious exchange of consideration. I know most women like the fantasy of these guys being hot for them. I know that's not true and I don't want it to be. I want to be in control. I need to be in control. You all know that about me by now.

Here's the thing, male strippers are very alpha male on the stage and during the lap dance. They direct the women's hands and position. I'm sure much of that is to make sure the women have fun and come back for more. I'm content to let him take the reins because it's his body and I understand the idea of consensual. I don't want to touch him in any way or any place that he doesn't want. So I let them take the lead. I give him that control for reasons that are probably not the same as other women.

I know, however, that the boys see it differently. What a strange thing for them to be doing - shaking their ass and their thangs in front of a bunch of women, objectifying themselves. Not the stuff guys are raised to think of as manly, not the way women are taught to flaunt their beauty and arouse men. So, how do these guys cope with their profession? Well Allie and I agree that they try to be as alpha as they can, controlling the women paying them to perform.

I've been in lots of strip clubs and have seen this all before. Allie was a first timer but confirmed that she sees it too. There is a lot of grabbing of ass, pulling of hair, bending over, spanking, shows with handcuffs and blindfolds. All of this is what the strippers do to the women holding up their dollar bills (please note, giving a five gets you a lot more attention). This is not what a Domme wants to see. When a woman having a birthday is up there getting spanked, all I can think is that I want it the other way around. Not going to happen. These guys need the illusion of control and the women need the illusion of a guy taking command. Okay, it's not really an illusion at all as the women are letting the guys control them.

I've seen the rise of the male strip clubs over the years and there are now a lot of younger women, dressed to the nines, waving their dollar bills. Obviously women are into the sexuality of it almost as much as men. It will never be the same, however, until the day comes that women will go to a strip club on their lunch hour! Still, the gender roles persist. Even the older women like to be treated like a princess for a few minutes. How many of them are like me and prefer to be the queen in command, I can't tell. I do know that I am sensitive to the guys' feelings. I try to bank my natural desire to issue orders, let them put my hands and my body where they want them and I get a little chance to feel some hard, smooth bodies. Inside, though, the Domme that I am is having a very different kind of fantasy than I think they imagine.

And, what are the boys thinking as they gyrate over and around my body? I believe they are thinking about March Madness. Allie believes they are counting up their tips to see if they can afford new rims.

Please note, they are never aroused!

If you've never been to a strip club, go. At least go if you are a Domme. There is visceral pleasure for sure, but there's considerable entertainment just watching how the people relate to each other.


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Switching Channels

One of the aspects of the BDSM lifestyle that fascinates me, and that I’m trying to better understand is the switch. According to the book Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, a switch (not the stick made from a willow, ash or birch tree branch which probably stings like hell) is a person who plays both the dominant and submissive sides of the SM game.
To me this seems like you’d be getting the best of both worlds. To some, a switch is erroneously thought to be someone just sitting on the fence or indecisive about one’s kink orientation. Fetlife, a kink-related social networking site, says a switch enjoys satisfying their Dominant and submissive sides.
Would mentioning you’re a switch at a munch or a play party get you a few disapproving looks? Maybe. For the most part, after viewing the forums on a couple lifestyle sites, lifestylers are openminded and caring people, many in committed loving relationships. There may always be a few strong-minded (insert jerks here) ones that may disagree with the preference of a switch.
An ideal partner for a switch would be another switch. But switches also partner with Dominants and submissives. Rules must be agreed upon. A switch must NEVER change roles during a scene.
A Dom and a switch may be dominants together in a scene with a submissive but the switch would not be more dominant than her Dom.
Now the wheels are turning for another story idea. Hmmmm.

Monday, February 21, 2011

What is a fetish?

Lately I’ve been doing research on fetishism for a story and I’m amazed at what I found. First, what is a fetish? A fetish is defined as any inanimate object given unreasonable attention, or any part of the body not of a sexual nature that arouses erotic feelings. In other words, a fetish is when an individual is sexually aroused by a specific object or objects and is generally unable to achieve sexual satisfaction without that object being present.

But the different kinds of fetishes run such a wide range.

Knismolagnia is the term for sexual arousal from tickling.

Formicophilia is deriving sexual pleasure from insects crawling on the body, specifically on the genitals. It is more common in developing countries, perhaps because homes are infested with insects. This could lead to an individual's genitals being exposed to insects (especially if they have outdoor bathrooms, as many developing countries do), and if this happens at a young age when they are sexually developing, they may derive pleasure from it.

Plushophilia is liking one of your stuffed animals a little too much as a child can lead to this fetish. It is being sexually attracted to stuffed animals or people dressed in animal costumes. Some plushophiles like to masturbate using small stuffed animals, and some like to dress up in costumes and have sex with others wearing costumes. Someone who is into bestiality, but doesn't want to actually have sex with animals could also enjoy this fetish.

Vorarephilia, one of the weirdest ones I found, is arousal by the thought of being eaten by someone, eating someone else, or watching someone eat somebody else. It is called "vore" for short and involves pure fantasy.

Inflatophilia can vary in what the inflatophile enjoys. It can be an attraction to inflatable animals and toys, deriving sexual pleasure from wearing inflatable suits, or just being aroused from the thought of people inflating like balloons.

Erotic asphyxia is a dangerous practice wherein a person enjoys cutting off their air supply while having sex or masturbating. Those who practice this fetish claim that it makes orgasms more enjoyable, but sometimes they can't get the rope, belt, or seatbelt that they use to strangle themselves loose fast enough, so it can be deadly.

Robot fetishism is a fantasy that involves the thought of having sex with a robot, having sex dressed as robots, or having sex with a person who is transformed into a robot. I guess someone who really loves technology or science fiction could be into this.

Burusera is a Japanese term for a panty fetish. It is an extremely prevalent fetish in Japan. There are burusera shops in Japan that sell used schoolgirls' panties, and there even used to be vending machines on the streets where men could buy them. The men buy them to smell them.

Erotic lactation is simply the breastfeeding of an adult by a lactating woman for sexual arousal. Nipple stimulation during sex is widely practiced, but erotic lactation is much more taboo.

Klismaphilia is deriving sexual pleasure from receiving an enema. It's not too surprising that people can get aroused from it, especially if they enjoy anal sex.

Hybristophilia is often known as the Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome. It is a sexual attraction to someone who has committed a gruesome crime. Many inmates who are imprisoned for outrageous crimes receive love letters from women.

Then there is the Zuni fetish, an object, most often carved, which usually represents an animal or Being revered by the Zuni Indians of New Mexico, whose word for fetish is wemawe (wuh-may-wuh). Fetishes have been carved for personal use for ages. An outgrowth of this aspect of Zuni culture is the modern animals, figures, and fetish pots created exclusively for trade.

And finally there is the man who cannot become sexually aroused unless he’s wearing cowboy boots. This is for real. Maybe I could interview him for one of my many cowboy stories! Might be something interesting for a change.

The whole point of this is that many people have sexual fixations on certain acts or objects and cannot become aroused or achieve sexual satisfaction without them. Certainly gives me a lot of food for thought as I plot my next stories.

Come see what I'm cooking up at

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Fettered Love - The Preview

Thanks, thanks, thanks to our lovely Delphine Dryden for creating the brand new video book trailer for Fettered Love. It features so much awesomeness. Watch! Now!

Safe, sane and consensual,


Monday, February 14, 2011

Spice Up Valentine's Day

It's February 14, a day to celebrate love and devotion. What better way to do that than by giving your loved one something they never expected but that you'll both enjoy? Let's explore some BDSM-themed ideas.

How about a lovely rose crop? Roses don't have to be in a vase to bring pleasure. This one can even be left out as a decoration as well as a reminder of what really goes on in your bedroom.

Maybe you need something a bit lighter because you aren’t a heavy player? Or perhaps you understand the value of the long, slow warmup where you drive your lover wild? What about a Pleasure Feather to tickle and tease?

Want something a little more personalized? How about a lovely pair of personalized nipple clamps? Remember to play safely. Don’t leave them on too long. Perhaps nipple lariats are more your style? Try these on for size. Remember that you can wear these under your outfit Valentine’s Day to give your Dominant a special thrill when you are ordered to take your clothes off.

Already have a collared sub? What about something specialized - one he (or she) can wear out in public that won't shout anything about your relationship, but will clue in perceptive people to the fact that your sweetie is "taken" in more ways than one! Here's a gorgeous anklet with a matching bracelet.

Maybe something just a bit less permanent is more your style? What about some chocolate body paint? Nothing says, "I love you," better than painting swirls all over your bound sub and then slowly licking it off - or - painting chocolate trails on yourself and letting that same sub pleasure you! If you're not into chocolate, there are fruit flavored body paints to tempt your palate. Here is one place to find these yummy treats.

Want to make the day even more special? Order dinner from your favorite restaurant, set the scene with some scented candles and soft music, seduce your sweetie with the sights, sounds and flavors they expect on this day - and then lead them to the bedroom that you've thoughtfully converted into a playroom just for the occasion, and show them more pleasure than they ever expected! The majority of these accessories can be deflated and tucked away when not in use, so your neighbors and relatives don't need to know anything about your 'extra-curricular' activities--unless one of you is a bit loud?

You can use ordinary items in very unexpected ways to pleasure your lover. A sleep mask makes an excellent blindfold. A bath sponge from the Dollar Store(tm) can give some very different textural experiences when lightly rubbed across the body. Clothespins wrapped in cloth can serve as inexpensive nipple clamps (make sure they're not TOO tight - the cloth can help with that). Silverware that has been sitting in a bowl of ice provides more sensory excitement when rubbed across your lover's body. You don't have to go overboard to stimulate and excite your partner - just use everyday items and your imagination. Valentine's Day may quickly become your favorite holiday to spend together.

Make this Valentine's day one to remember - buy an erotic novel and read it aloud to your sweetie - act out one or more of the sex scenes in the book. Need some recommendations? Do you really have to look further than the 1-800-DOM-help series? Check out all the titles here - you're sure to find something that appeals. Happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Fetish Friday: A Fetish too Far?

I'm pretty sure I can't top the whale penis post, sadly. But a discussion on our author group has led me to consider a little fetish philosophy. Specifically, when is a fetish just too much for even the most open-minded kinkster to accept as within the realm of "okay"?

Not in the "this should be outlawed" sense, of course. Consenting adults can do whatever they like, alone or in combinations, and as long as they don't expect or try to compel me to watch them, and we're not talking about consensual snuff or something, I really do not care. However, everybody has a limit somewhere, a personal notion of what they themselves don't even like to ponder. A squick, in short.

I've done things that would probably make a lot of vanilla people's skin crawl, and I know about plenty of other things that I wouldn't do personally but totally understand. Needle play, for instance. Chain flogging. Extreme predicament suspensions. Puppy play. Not my personal kinks, but I understand the spectrum on which these options exist. More pain, more endorphins, more power exchange, more subspace...if that's what you need to get there, I understand. Go forth, puppies and piercers, and do your various things.

But a fetish I personally cannot get behind/past is the furry thing. If you do it, fine. Again, as long as I don't have to watch it. But I admit I do sort of judge. I've read about it, watched stuff, etc. about it...but I don't get it, and it trips my weirdometer into the red zone. I think maybe my brain just isn't wired to understand it. Although the first time I heard about lifestyle D/s I didn't get that (the Master in question was in fact a total asshole with big boundary issues, so I suspect that had a lot to do with it). And look at me now!

So what's yours? I've shown you mine. What's the one fetish or kink that just plain squicks you out, that you can't get past no matter what?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Zentai Fetish

No it's not Friday Fetish-It's Wednesday but this may come under the heading Weird Wednesday.
Is it an artistic expression, a sensory experience, exhibitionism, a desire for anonymity, or possibly a chance to walk naked in public without actually being naked? Zentai is a fetish you’ll see on city streets, in parks and shopping malls. Warning: If you have a tendency toward claustrophobia, this fetish might not be for you. Zentai comes from the Japanese term meaning “skin-tight garment”. Zentai is a skin-tight suit covering the entire body, I mean COMPLETELY—hands, feet, and the whole face and head.
These outfits look like something from a SciFi movie. If you’ve ever seen the Blue Man Group you’ll get the idea but they aren't true Zentai. Their faces are painted but not covered. I think the Blue Man guys have a Zentai fetish.

Zentai suits are usually made out of nylon/spandex but some use cotton and even wool. Fanning self here. Wool? Ick. Itchy and hot? Maybe for Zentai wearers during winter months.
Zentai wearers say the fabric sliding against the skin is very sensual. Some enjoy the D/s aspect as it causes a “submissive” feeling, while others claim the experience is strongly Dominant. Those in the D/s lifestyle may enjoy bondage while wearing Zentai—somewhat double bondage as I see it.

The artistic and visual effect may be the draw to some Zentai with all the various colors and patterns available. And off course the attention they get when doing a “walkabout” in public. Zentai wearers have to be a tad on the exhibitionist side. You think?
Zentai parties? I’ve read where these secret parties are becoming more popular. Hmmm. Scratching head here. Now what do they do at a Zentai party? Can’t eat. Can’t drink. Can’t recognize anyone. I guess I can use my imagination which can be bad at times. I’m visualizing a dozen Blue Man guys/women having a quasi-orgy where there’s no skin contact. Might be fun to watch.

As with anything, don't mock it unless you've tried it.


Monday, February 7, 2011

Edgeplay-Taking sex to the next level

Do you have fantasies about the edgier aspect of sex? Are there things you’d just love to try with your partner, things that arouse and stimulate you? Have you reached a point in your relationship where you have a great desire to push the boundaries? For many couples this is where edgeplay comes in.

Edgeplay is a subjective term for types of BDSM play that tend to push the boundaries of “safe, sane and consensual.” These types of play never, ever, however, go beyond what both of the partners desire. That’s the very first thing to remember. Nor is the safe word ever ignored. What constitutes edgeplay varies with the persons involved, and also over time.

For some it involves taking acceptable pain to the next level. How much can be tolerated? What releases the endorphins to such a point that the sub is actually high on it? This can be as simple as moving from spanking to the use of implements such as paddles or canes. Canes, because of the nature of the instrument, have become a favorite toy in edgeplay, at least as my research tells me. The bottom third of the cane delivers the greatest amount of punishment and applied appropriately can create a degree of pain that immediately blooms into pleasure.

For those who have pain fetishes, edgeplay can involved devising new ways to increase the intensity of pain. To ramp up the release of endorphins into the system and take the sub to a new plane of pleasure.

For others edgeplay can be as simple as prolonging the permission to achieve climax. In one example I read about, the Dom restrained her sub to a state of complete helplessness, then used hands, mouth and toys to stimulate the sub, repeatedly denying the sub the release of the climax. But as the edgeplay continued the erotic rush the sub received increased in intensity until when release was finally granted the orgasm exceeded anything previously experienced.

Rape fantasies are another popular form of edgeplay but this also involves a lot of psychological torment which both parties have to be on board with beforehand. They must discuss it in full detail first so both people are comfortable with their roles.

And like everything else in BDSM, there has to be complete trust between the partners. Never, ever try anything with someone you have any reason to mistrust. But if you are your partner are looking for a way to ramp up your sexual activities, edgeplay is something you might want to look into.

*** I want to thank all the people who chatted with me and patiently answered my questions on edgeplay. Look for it as the subject of my next 1-800-DOLMHelp story.

And be sure to check out my current release in the series, Delight Me.

Dani Maquire’s current Dom has suggested to her that her growing dissatisfaction with the lifestyle might be because she needs a role reversal, but how does she go about it? When a mysterious business card appears she calls the number, 1-800-DOMHelp and at the club, Unfettered, is paired with Ethan, a sexy as sin sub. In her first session, under the supervision of Mistress G, Dani learns the erotic effect of wielding the single tail whip on her sub the intense arousal that stimulating him with toys can bring. As their sessions progress, she explores with Ethan every aspect of D/s play, from restraints to punishment to the exercise of control to achieve mind-blowing orgasms. And she understands the value of receiving trust as well as giving it. But a funny thing happens on the way to immersing herself in the kinkiest sex possible—she develops very strong emotional feelings for Ethan that scare her to death. For two weeks she stays away from Unfettered and refuses all the calls from Ethan. But then she receives one from Mistress G that could change her life forever. Will she be brave enough to accept what’s being offered?

Come visit me at and

Friday, February 4, 2011

Fetish Friday: Animal Threesomes

Hi folks, Delphine checking in late this Friday...since Francesca was feeling poorly I pulled a topic off the shelf and jumped in! And right away I have to apologize in advance; this post will include references, both textual and visual, to whale penises. If that prospect distresses you, move along now because this shit is about to get real.

So, have you ever heard somebody try to argue that some sexual practices like, say, threesomes, are unnatural? Puh-lease. Y'all, the next time that old argument arises, just refer that woefully misinformed to this, and remember it must be true because IT IS SCIENCE.

Yes, that's right, that's an article about not only whale penises--a pretty damned spectacular topic in itself for obvious reasons--but about a documented m/m/f whale threesome.

Yes, that's right. It's a whale schlong.
That's a lot to ponder, so let's take it one element at a time. The picture on the left, which  I shamelessly cribbed from that linked article, is of a relatively small (killer) whale penis. That one's small, remember.

After you've taken a moment to compose yourself, consider the additional fact that the whale's penis is very flexible and often the mating occurs with the female belly-up and the male snaking the penis up over her side to penetrate her.

So far, so good. They are whales, and they can have sorta whale-like missionary-position sex. But wait! There's more!

At least one more, to be precise. One more whale dude. Or at least on occasion. As scientists have documented, sometimes two males penetrate the female simultaneously. And while I'm not sure just how I'd feel about that given that they are sharing one orifice with their humungous equipment...well, the female whale does not seem to be complaining. Click the link if you'd like to see the pictures. Go on, take a minute. You know you want to (those are Right whales, by the way...and their penises are about three times the one of that orca in the picture up there).

I especially like the picture with arrows and circles, thoughtfully provided in case you were unable to tell exactly where the two enormous whale penises were in the unlabeled picture.

Folks, whales have threesomes. Whales are mammals, just like humans. They are smart mammals, too. Well, obviously. But the real point here is that animals get up to all sorts of sexual hijinks and they aren't hindered by notions of what is or isn't "natural". To them, truly, the only unnatural acts are the ones they cannot perform. Whales indulge in menages, monkeys are sometimes gay for each other, the animals pretty much have it all going on despite the feeble arguments about what is and isn't "natural". And like it or not, people are animals too.

So go forth and enjoy that menage, or celebrate your friend's marriage to his boyfriend, or relish the sting of a friendly riding crop...and if anybody challenges your choice, just link them to the article above. At the very least, they are unlikely to ever argue with you about it again.

Feel better soon, Francesca, as your talents are sorely needed here...your post probably would have been much better thought-out and not nearly so laden with images we cannot unsee. 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Wednesday Whips: The Challenge of Two Dominants

I write menage. I write BDSM. Combining them both I have to make specific choices about dominance and submission among the threesome so they can find their happily ever after together and keep their functioning triangle happy. My first novel, Bound Odyssey, involved a dominant female, a male switch (submissive to her), and a male submissive (sub to both my Domme and the male switch). Those dynamics solved the problem of what to do with two dominant characters involved in a poly triad. My lucky sub got both a Mistress and a Master. My Mistress got two subs and the switch got to, well, switch. Neither of the dominants had to express their love of one another from an equal position of power.

But the idea of two full dominants inside a working relationship of three fascinates me. How do they survive? How do they share? How do they express their love for one another? My recent release Fettered Love posed just that problem. Kirk, my dominant hero, had fallen in love with his best friend from childhood, Sarah, and dreamed of a life with her. Unfortunately, about the time he was discovering his identity as a Dom, she was discovering hers as a Domme. And it grated on him. They never could come to terms with their romantic love for one another. Fast forward ten plus years and the story action includes a male submissive, Evan. They both love him. And it turns out that they can cooperate fairly well to Top him. He's their missing link, so to speak.

Is this a realistic solution? There are a number of marriages in the kink community where both partners are Tops, love one another, and solve the problem by pursuing other submissives. I don't know how common it is that they share, but poly relationships come in all flavors. And even kinksters are allowed vanilla sex if they want it.

I came across a link to a hilarious YouTube video about the difficulties of two dominants cooperating. Again, the kink community has no problem laughing at itself, and the video below is a prime example. Enjoy. And let me know what you think about the reality of two dominants sharing a submissive. I think it might be both a submissive's heaven and hell. Talk about the need for coordination? Who has the ultimate word he must follow? Oy! I'm glad I don't have this problem.

Safe, sane and consensual, R.A.C.K., what have you,