Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Can an Alpha male be submissive?

Does an Alpha male truly lose control and power if he submits?
I got a chuckle out of Del's post here. I don't feel like a whip wielding she-wolf in boots and a corset. LOL

As I write Leather Becomes Her, my story is of a dominant woman meeting her submissive, but the submissive hero in the book is NOT a beta. My question is, can a man who is Alpha be submissive? Does submission change his role from Alpha to beta?

Alpha men can be macho to the world. You'd be surprised at how the power wielding men of society prefer to be brought down in private by submitting. (And some PAY professional Dominants to do it. It has nothing to do with sex, just submission.) They aren't less Alpha for doing it; their ability to submit makes them stronger. Imagine the lawyer in court fighting a hard case, arguing for his client, butting heads with judges, lawyers, police, etc. Every day, all day, long hours into late nights, week in and week out. They aren't out to please anyone. They want their way in all things. Win, win, win. These are men of sheer power and dominance--total Alpha males. Many times what does this kind of man wish for in private? Release. The joy of not making any decisions. Letting someone else take control and use him so he can relax. His only desire--to please a dominant figure (in my example, a Mistress).

So does submitting make an Alpha role switch to beta? (Urban Dictionary defines beta male as "An unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male.")

I don't think submission makes an Alpha man weak. I know quite a few Alpha personalities, men and women, who enjoy submission. Submission doesn't make one weak. It takes a lot of strength to let go taboos, outward appearances and expectations.

Imagine the lawyer again, all conservative looking...strip off his outer layers (suit) and bare him naked. What do you see? Toned muscles? Tattoos? (Okay, my personal preference there...ahem.) He still looks macho yet he immediately feels vulnerable. Does he want to run? Yes. Will he? No. Why? Because he has strength to keep him there as his Mistress desires. His urge to please Her overwhelms everything else. He will take whatever She desires--whip to the back, spanking over the knee, bondage, clothespins to the cock and balls, cleaning her house, licking her feet, etc. He doesn't say no. He doesn't shove Her away. He wants to please Her. That takes strength!

Once his service is complete, he is once again in control. Wait? Did he really lose control? He was controlled by Her, but he had a choice. He remained subservient. Did he have to? No. Isn't his choice to remain at her feet really just internal control as opposed to external?

He was released from his worldy responsibilities and outer appearance as the dominant male of power. His external control was stripped away like the clothes from his body, however, he internalized his power and strength to serve his Mistress, whatever her desire.

So, in my opinion, an Alpha male remains Alpha. He never loses strength or control, he merely changes the focus from outward power and strength in succeeding (money, career, education, etc) to internal control from running away like a coward.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Dungeon First-Aid

People break legs simply by stepping off a sidewalk the wrong way, while riding a bicycle, skating or jogging. Accidents also occur even when playing safe in a dungeon. Here are a few tips, not a complete list, of basic first aid in the dungeon.
Burns: Burns can occur when dripping candling wax on your partner or not watching how close the flame is to the skin. Reddened skin is a first-degree burn. Immerse the area in cool/cold water or apply an ice pack, wet tea-bags, aloe vera gel to ease the pain. Commercial burn ointment is also good. Do not use petroleum jelly or butter.

If a blister forms, it’s a second degree burn. Initial treatment is cold/cool water too, then cover with a sterile gauze pad. Check with a doctor if it becomes infected (fluid in blister becomes cloudy) and leave blister alone. A third-degree burn is very serious. The area may blister then look charred or whitish in color. And the surface may be warm and dry. It may not even be painful because the nerves have been damaged. Cover with a sterile gauze and seek medical attention right away.

Head Injuries: When people are tied up, they are at risk of losing their balance, falling and hitting their heads. On TV we see people losing consciousness from a head injury all the time and they get up and go about their lives like it’s not a big deal. In reality, any head injury that causes unconsciousness is cause to a trip to the hospital emergency room. The injury could be life threatening.

Misplaced Toys: Oops! Did you lose something inside? If it’s in the vagina and doesn’t have sharp edges, no worries. There’s no place for it to go. It’ll soon work its way out, or add a little lubrication to help it along. If it’s in the rectum, that’s another story. Don’t try using an enema, or a foreign object to reach in to grab it. Lubricate the anus and go sit on the toilet for a while. Wait, don’t force it. It that doesn’t work or if there’s pain, go to an emergency room. I used to work in an emergency room. Hospital staff have seen this sort of thing many times. (A few items I remember: dildos are most common, but also a flashlight –light was still on, and several toy army men). Next time, choose a toy larger that won’t slide all the way in.

Overheating: Mummification, bondage, hoods, leather & latex clothing can sometimes cause heat-related injuries. Heat cramps, heat exhaustion or heat stroke.

Consuming plenty of fluids (non-alcoholic) will help prevent some overheating. But partners should be aware of this hazard during play. Heat exhaustion can cause nausea, fainting, dizziness, excessive sweating and weakness. Weakened pulse, pale, clammy skin can be a sign of shock. In this case, keep the person lying down with head lower than feet and give small amounts of cool water or Gatorade-like product. Person should be coherent enough to lift his head to drink too. With heat stroke, the person’s body temperature rises above 104 degrees, convulsions or unconsciousness can occur. Cool him immediately and seek medical attention. Call 911.

Play safe in the dungeon.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Name Game

A few months before our first child was due to be born, my husband and I started playing what we called the Name Game. It was mostly about first and middle names (he won the first name after his deceased mother, I won the middle name) but we also had to decide on the last name. I don't even know how many families have the last name as an issue. I assume we are in an extreme minority. I kept my last name and he kept his when we married. I like my last name, he's indifferent to his. So when it came to our kids, while we toyed with the idea of hyphenation, ultimately our kids ended up with my last name.

This one unusual trait of our family speaks to my relationship with my husband more than anything else. No one but us knows what we do in our bedroom. I don't order him around in public (well, no more than any other wife). When he says "yes ma'am" in front of other people, it's with an ironic tone that makes it seem like he doesn't really mean it (and sometimes he doesn't). But the kids have MY NAME. It's indicative to my husband's nature in perhaps a subtle way.

I'm thinking of all of this because in a few weeks, we head out for vacation and will attend my husband's extended family reunion. All of his relatives are going to know now based on information sent around, name tags, etc. that his kids aren't carrying his name. In fact, my son is the only son of a man with my husband's paternal family name. He is the only child in the extended family that is expected to carry that name into the next generation. Except of course, that's not his name. I asked my husband if he wanted to hide this. I don't want him to be uncomfortable. He says it doesn't bother him, that he doesn't care what his cousins think of all this.

In many ways, my husband is comfortable in his own skin. He isn't an alpha male and doesn't feel compelled to pretend otherwise.

Isn't it what this is all about - accepting and liking who you are?


Thursday, July 21, 2011

The many flavors of subs-and I don't mean sandwiches

Is there humor in BDSM?? Of course. There's humor in everything. And like any other lifestyle there are both serious and humorous stereotypes. Here, for your giggles, a few subs that could use some advice.

 She (or he) leads a live that she feels is cursed, not blessed. Something is always going wrong and no, none of it is her fault. Every one of her Doms is flawed. They chose her for the wrong reasons. All because the perfect Master is missing. If only he or she could that perfect master life would be good. No more mistakes, no more screwing up. Start living up to her potential–whatever that is.
Hint to sub: Try Master-R-Us.
 THE DO IT TO ME SUB: “Beat me, beat me” could be the mantra of this sub. And they don’t care who is doing the beating or flogging. Frequently misbehaving on purpose, this sub craves the feel of the lash or the flogger. This “sub” just wants to be beaten. It doesn’t really matter by who. Searching for the perfect partner this sub wanders bondage clubs and might as well be wearing a sign that says “Beat Me.”
Hint to sub: Start carrying your own flogger, just in case.
Or maybe Ken. This sub is just in it for the look–the leather, the boots, even the temporary collar or cuffs. He or she might as well have a tattoo saying “I’m a sub, come and get me.” They’re afraid of the whip, and have never seen a clamp in their lives. They spend their paychecks on bondage fashions and love to visit clubs where they can posture.
Hint: Take off your clothes and let us see the real you.
THE HE CAUSED ME PAIN SUB: These are among my favorites to point fingers at. They rush out to play with a master they might have just met online, maybe in some secluded cabin or gothic mansion or just your normal. Everyday resident with a soundproof dungeon. There’s no negotiation, no discussion of safe words because the sub just wants to “do it.” After a full sessions with restraints, clamps and punishment the sub decides the master is a threat to society and can’t wait to spread the word about him.
Hint to sub: Sell your computer.
After burning her way through the usual singles bars and meat factories and co-ed health clubs and every other hookup spot, she decided a Dom would be the perfect answer for her. This “sub”, after exhausting all her singles bar and health club meeting places, decides that the D/s world would be a good place to meet a *man*. She really has no interest in D/s, she just wants a “real man.” Of course after her first session she suddenly loses all interest in sex of any kind.
Hint to sub: Have a pity party with the Poor Me sub.
This submissive is starry-eyed and na├»ve, swooning at the mere thought of a dom, any dom, asking to pass the salt. They declare there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a “better” and “higher” manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. They lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial.
And  reminding the master too frequently what a great gift submission is.
Hint to sub:
While it may be more blessed to give than receive, that only works when you don’t make yourself a pain in the ass.
 So what’s your favorite kind of sub? What do you like? Dislike? Let me know here and you might win a copy of my 1-800 story, DELIGHT ME.
 Come see me at and sign up for my mailing list.
And get all the 1-800 books at

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

NCSF - A Valuable Resource

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, or NCSF for short, is a kick-ass organization with which I suggest everyone become aware. They are an advocacy organization doing important work for the BDSM community along with other alternative sexuality and sex positive communities. For instance they keep an on-going resource list by state of kink-friendly and kink-aware professionals. If individuals need a doctor or attorney or mental health clinician in touch with the wide world of BDSM this is the place to go. NCSF is also contributing feedback to the new revision of the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, version five. (DSM-V) This manual is the cornerstone of mental health diagnosis and NCSF is working hard to de-pathologize BDSM.

"NCSF fights for sexual freedom and privacy rights for all adults who engage in safe, sane and consensual behavior," says a quote from their Who We Are page on their website. They educate people about issues facing the SM-Leather-Fetish, swing and polyamory communities. They are on the forefront of the work to decriminalize BDSM.

The idea tripping around my head for my next 1-800-DOM-help book includes a character periphally affiliated with an organization like this one. If you are a reader or writer of BDSM and appreciate these stories, even if you are not personally involved in the lifestyle, it is important to be aware of the struggles the BDSM and fetish community faces in order to understand the full context of the characters. Plus, as empathic and hopefully humane people we must open our eyes to the struggles any marginalized group faces in our culture.

So expand your knowledge and visit the NCSF website.

Safe, sane and consensual,

What (BDSM) Romance Authors are Teaching Their Readers

Looking through this month’s posts, I see trying something new for thirty days, flogging 101, wishing I were a man and a delightful rendition of what I could do with that penis if I had one. If you believe articles that suggest we learn what to expect in relationships from what we read, we BDSM erotic romance authors want you to buy a strap-on and flogger and give them a test run for thirty days.


Now, trying new things is fun, sure. And if you want to really know if it works for you, thirty days is a good test run. But as readers we all know authors aren’t suggestng you try everything we write about.

I’d guess that half of BDSM readers enjoy the fantasy of something different, and half enjoy the lifestyle and like reading what they know, give or take a few readers. And those of you reading BDSM know what you love about it.

I think a good portion either consciously or unconsciously look for the happy ending, regardless of where the sex takes place on the way there. The books in the 1-800-DOM-help series confirm this. We have two Spectrum categories, the same-sex couples who end up with a promise of staying together, at least for a while. The rest, so far at least, are Taboo, covering the heterosexual and multi-partner groups who also end up exploring a relationship at the end.

My upcoming addition to the series, Fighting for Control, follows suit. Marc, Brad and Lori want to see where the lifestyle takes them as a threesome. Making a D/s/D relationship work has to be a challenge, but they’re willing to be flexible, and as long as everyone is open about their needs, they should be able to keep it going indefinitely. Don’t you think?

The underlying theme I see in all our posts, and all our stories, is be true to yourself in sex and in love. Have fun, be open to change, and find the love who deserves you. Life’s too short for anything less!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Penis Envy: A video response

Well, Samantha, I can't make you a man, even for a second. But I can give you a wonderful video full of ideas for what to do if you ever did acquire a penis of your very own. Nobody says it better than Uncle Bonsai:

You're welcome :-)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sometimes I Wish I Were a Man

An author friend of mine has always said that she and I both skew male. What she means by this is that we have certain traditional male characteristics such as being aggressive and are more likely to give each other a fist bump than a hug. It definitely comes out in our writing. We both love strong female characters who kick ass. I wish had grown to be much taller than I am and would love to be stronger physically than I am. And yes, sometimes I have penis envy.

Let's face it, men have an easier time when it comes to sex. I know that as a woman, I have the capacity for more orgasms and more complex ones. But sometimes being able to get it up and get it off fast is enviable. I'm also the type of woman, as I have already admitted, who likes to be in charge. There is nothing more authoritative in sex than being the one to penetrate. Pegging (thank you, Dan Savage) with a bullet gives an approximation, but not quite the same thing (I'm imagining here). If I could magically be both female and male at the same time during sex, I'd go for it.

There's a movie from the seventies with Faye Dunaway called "Oklahoma Crude" in which she says she wished she had a penis so she could fuck herself. I'm not saying that exactly. I don't want to fuck myself but I would love to fuck a guy who wants to be fucked by other guys. I love gay men, I love the idea of gay men. I was so happy to find out that many other women love them, too. When I write BDSM erotica involving two men, I'm totally turned-on by what I'm making my characters do. I kind of put myself into the scene as one of the characters (the dominate one, naturally) just the same way I do when I write about a woman character.

Maybe the fantasy is better than reality would ever be. I bet in the future, people will be able to switch gender back and forth at will, but I'm sure I'll be dead by then. Too bad. I'll just have to live through my characters.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Flogging 101- a primer for subs and Doms/Dommes

Flogging and other type of contact punishment can be very enjoyable for both the sub and the Dom/Domme but if you;ve never tried it before there are some things you need to know. Here's what I found during my research:

First: Terminology

Snappy" : Like that of a small belt. Snappy is used to describe a small sharp sensation.

"Strappy" : Like that of a medium belt. used to describe a larger, less sharp sensation.

"Thuddy" or “Punchy” : A heavier feeling, usually combined with a "slappy" or "snappy" feel. 
Can cause people to move due to the weight of the blow.

"Stinging" : Like the feel of being snapped by a rubber band to varying degrees depending on how it is used.

"Tingling" : After the initial slap it leaves a nice warm tingle that grows and spreads. 
Usually associated with textured surface paddles.

"Slapping" : Like the slap of a hand, (but limited to the area covered by the device) .

"Whacking" : The feeling of a broad area being struck at once. 
Much like a spanking, usually a feeling derived from paddles, or whips with larger tails.

"Cutting" : The feeling of a narrow area being struck hard (or multiple areas simultaneously). 
Similar to snappy but much, much, more intense, can raise weal's,
 and can feel that the skin has been cut.

(Don't be afraid to try something that sounds fun too!)

Some things for the dominant to consider when purchasing a sensation or punishment toy is how it will be used, how experienced a user you are, 
how experienced your sub is, and what types of sensations they like or are willing to submit to.

While some may enjoy a whack from a paddle, a sharp snap from a rubber whip might not be their thing. That's not to say you can't try to work towards a mutual agreement towards each others desires 
and a little training to get your sub to enjoy playing with a toy they never thought they'd like. Also, a toy that has the sub in fear every time it is brought out could be a good method of punishment, 
as it would hardly need to be used at all to achieve the desired effect on the behavior of the sub.

A few pointers on using your new toy:

For best results, try using your new whip on a pillow to practice your aim. 
To determine feel, use it on the more sensitive inside portion of your arm, 
or swing it over your shoulder so that it lands on your back. 
Start gently and gradually increase the strength of the blows. 
Paddles and crops can be used on your open hand, slapped against your leg, or on your own bum. 
It is important that you know and understand the feelings that the toy will provide for your sub, 
so that you can get the strength and duration of use right.

There are always areas to avoid when using a whip (or any other impact sensation device). 
These include the neck, face and avoid any hits to the lower portions 
of the back and sides where the kidneys are located. 
It does not take a hard hit with a whip to do damage, 
as the tails will whip round the body and speed up as they do, 
thus increasing the strength of the blow at the tips considerably.

The best places are usually the shoulders and upper back , the butt 
(especially the fleshy portion where the bottom meets the back of the thigh), 
the backs of the thighs, and breast area. 
Palms of the hands, and the soles of the feet are also possible, 
but are far more difficult to get right due to the small target area 
and the risk of the whip wrapping round and causing raw pain. 
Favorites vary among individuals, but the breasts and pubic areas can also be fun 
but more care is required, especially if the areas are pierced.

Most importantly, if it's something you've never used before, 
or an area that you have not struck before, make sure to be careful, 
take it slow and discuss the types of things you both find exciting and pleasurable, 
both during and after play. It's always a good idea to take some pointers 
from those who know how to use the toy of your choice.

It may seem silly, but it's good to practice on a pillow. 
Concentrate on your aim and control by trying to hit the same spot over and over. 
If it's a feather pillow, concentrate on your control by not making too much of an 
indentation in the pillow, and once you have mastered that, 
try moving around while continuing to use the toy. 
Very few people will stay still while playing (both doms and subs).

So, find the toy that suits you and your sub, be sure to practice, and above all…enjoy.
Be sure to stop by my blog and my web site
And pick up your copies of all the stories in the 1-800-DOMHelp series. You can find the list under Series at Ellora's Cave

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Try Something New for Thirty Days

Matt Cutts: Try something new for 30 days | Video on

If you've followed me elsewhere, you'll know I adore the talks on the web. Click the link above to watch the latest I've found. This ones pretty easy to watch. After viewing it I wondered how this might apply to kink. Thirty days of flogging? Thirty days of a cock cage? Or how about thirty days of just sharing a fantasy out loud with a lover? That's doable. Hey, this sounds like a premise of a book. The main character might be uninspired with his or her current lover and a friend challenges him or her to a thirty day trial of something new within a kinky context. Talk about forming some interesting habits. But putting aside kink, I'm a firm believer in this method of changing ones life.

So what thirty day challenge would you embrace?