The Name Game

A few months before our first child was due to be born, my husband and I started playing what we called the Name Game. It was mostly about first and middle names (he won the first name after his deceased mother, I won the middle name) but we also had to decide on the last name. I don't even know how many families have the last name as an issue. I assume we are in an extreme minority. I kept my last name and he kept his when we married. I like my last name, he's indifferent to his. So when it came to our kids, while we toyed with the idea of hyphenation, ultimately our kids ended up with my last name.

This one unusual trait of our family speaks to my relationship with my husband more than anything else. No one but us knows what we do in our bedroom. I don't order him around in public (well, no more than any other wife). When he says "yes ma'am" in front of other people, it's with an ironic tone that makes it seem like he doesn't really mean it (and sometimes he doesn't). But the kids have MY NAME. It's indicative to my husband's nature in perhaps a subtle way.

I'm thinking of all of this because in a few weeks, we head out for vacation and will attend my husband's extended family reunion. All of his relatives are going to know now based on information sent around, name tags, etc. that his kids aren't carrying his name. In fact, my son is the only son of a man with my husband's paternal family name. He is the only child in the extended family that is expected to carry that name into the next generation. Except of course, that's not his name. I asked my husband if he wanted to hide this. I don't want him to be uncomfortable. He says it doesn't bother him, that he doesn't care what his cousins think of all this.

In many ways, my husband is comfortable in his own skin. He isn't an alpha male and doesn't feel compelled to pretend otherwise.

Isn't it what this is all about - accepting and liking who you are?

Sam

Sometimes I Wish I Were a Man

An author friend of mine has always said that she and I both skew male. What she means by this is that we have certain traditional male characteristics such as being aggressive and are more likely to give each other a fist bump than a hug. It definitely comes out in our writing. We both love strong female characters who kick ass. I wish had grown to be much taller than I am and would love to be stronger physically than I am. And yes, sometimes I have penis envy.

Let's face it, men have an easier time when it comes to sex. I know that as a woman, I have the capacity for more orgasms and more complex ones. But sometimes being able to get it up and get it off fast is enviable. I'm also the type of woman, as I have already admitted, who likes to be in charge. There is nothing more authoritative in sex than being the one to penetrate. Pegging (thank you, Dan Savage) with a bullet gives an approximation, but not quite the same thing (I'm imagining here). If I could magically be both female and male at the same time during sex, I'd go for it.

There's a movie from the seventies with Faye Dunaway called "Oklahoma Crude" in which she says she wished she had a penis so she could fuck herself. I'm not saying that exactly. I don't want to fuck myself but I would love to fuck a guy who wants to be fucked by other guys. I love gay men, I love the idea of gay men. I was so happy to find out that many other women love them, too. When I write BDSM erotica involving two men, I'm totally turned-on by what I'm making my characters do. I kind of put myself into the scene as one of the characters (the dominate one, naturally) just the same way I do when I write about a woman character.

Maybe the fantasy is better than reality would ever be. I bet in the future, people will be able to switch gender back and forth at will, but I'm sure I'll be dead by then. Too bad. I'll just have to live through my characters.

Music to Play By

I don't think I ever mentioned my experience in a dungeon out in LA while attending the RT conference. I didn't get to play, more's the pity, but I did observe lots of wonderful play by other people. I was particularly impressed by some fire play by a Dom. Anyway, while there is much about the night I could share because it was all great, there were a few minutes at the beginning of the evening that is particularly memorable. As I sat in the main room, watching a couple of Dommes (one obviously a professional) working on their respective men, the overhead music started playing Numb by Linkin Park. Now, I happen to love that song, both the original and the Encore version with Jay-Z. I even had it as my ring tone for a long time. I have always found music to be very evocative. A good piece will send me soaring emotionally in ways I cannot express. The experience of hearing a song I love with the back beat of floggers and paddles hitting flesh - well, I don't have words. I really don't, but I will never forget it. Setting a mood for play is important and music can be a big part of that. I don't think I realized how big a part until that night.

Fantasy Domme

Saturday I was very excited to have my swag for the Romantic Times conference delivered. I found these adorable fetish key chains. They have mini floggers or paddles on them and I hope they will be a big hit with a certain crowd of the attendees(or maybe just the curious). I was not surprised by the picture on the cover of the box they came in, but I was annoyed by it. It obviously was designed with the straight non-sub guy in mind. The woman is a sex kitten kind of fantasy Domme, hardly the way I look or the way any Domme I know looks. It’s a variation of the schizophrenic way that many men view women anyway – the virgin whore. What they picture is a Domme who looks the way they picture a sub. There’s no power in the image. It’s certainly not what a true male sub is looking for. Oh, well, the world is run by straight, non-fetish men.

The key chains are still adorable.

Sam

What to Wear

A few years ago, when I was invited to spend an evening with a Domme in a New York dungeon to learn some techniques, I was thrilled. But my excitement was tinged with concern. What should I wear? The idea of dressing up in a bustier and fuck-me high heels was both titilating and off-putting. My husband sometimes teases me that I’m a prim New England girl at heart. He’s not wrong in many ways. It’s hard for me to let go in public, to not feel silly. I knew I would feel self-conscious wearing something really provocative, and I’m also not sure that kink play for me is play in the sense of dressing for a part. I ultimately settled on all black business casual. I certainly stood out among the women there. But here’s the thing, I also got a lot of attention. Now maybe it was because I was a new face in the crowd. Or, maybe because I did stand out with the incongruity of a woman wearing street clothes while wielding various instruments of pain – the ordinary paired with the extraordinary. I don’t know.

What I wonder is how integral is clothing to kink? It’s certainly part of the stereotype that non-kinksters use to portray the lifestyle. All of the women (but not all of the men) that I saw that night in New York were dressed for the part. There is certainly a sense of power and control when someone is clothed and the other naked and some kink, like pony play, demands a costume. For the typical Domme, though, is wearing leather and sexy clothese a way for the woman to feel more attractive or a way for her to get into the swing of things (sort to speak). Am I the only one who wonders about this at all?

Scene Interrupted

Last Wednesday before going to bed to face what I knew to be a hectic Thanksgiving, I whispered into my husband’s ear a plan for Friday night. I had worked out a scene while baking pies, something new, something exciting, something that needed time to play out well. I whispered because we were still downstairs. I was heading to bed, but he stays up later and I couldn’t wait to share it with him. I also couldn’t let the kids hear what I was saying. Anyway, I knew he needed some fun to look forward to as we were having most of my family over, and they tend to rub him a little raw. Sex, or the promise of it, is always an excellent way to distract a man. Unfortunately, half way through dinner, my throat started hurting and by Friday, I was flat on my back with whatever virus had felled my children the week before. No play for us! I’m still kind of sniffling and coughing over my keyboard.

My husband always teases me about being a planner. In every aspect of our lives, I like to plot and plan for the next few days, weeks, months, years. It keeps me centered and focused, and I think this tendency serves me particularly well when it comes to sex. While vanilla sex can be done more spontaneously (and can be quite a treat after a long day), I’ve always believed that kink needs to be thought out. We need props and scenes and let’s face it, if we’re not careful, someone can get hurt or at least feel a little worse for the wear. What with careers and kids, time is at a premium anyway for most couples. I think the kinky couple has it that much harder. Is there a way to be both spontaneous and kinky? Maybe it’s me, the control freak planner, that has trouble just jumping in. I’d love to hear from others. I’d love to find a way to be more flexible. I’m just not sure it’s possible.