The ABCs of BDSM

More and more erotic romances today deal with the world of BDSM, an acronym that represents bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. But the “life” has a glossary of terms all t’s own, so today I thought I’d let you in on what a few of them mean. A kind of roadmap for you to use the next time you read a BDSM romance.

BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.

D/s (Dominance and submission) includes master and slave role-playing scenarios.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

Black sheet party: An orgy for people into BDSM sex.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: one who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the one-done-to rather than the do-er.

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules - essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dominant” A person who exercises control - contrast with submissive

Domme: Woman who exercises control.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Fire play: Creative uses of heat.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

Safe, sane and consensual - (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play.

Safeword - A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop - used especially in scenes which may involve consensual force.

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate. It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's wellbeing if they are in subspace.

switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total power exchange: a relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Be sure to check out the entire 1-800-DOMHelp series. And visit my web site at www.desireeholt.com.

The many flavors of subs-and I don't mean sandwiches

Is there humor in BDSM?? Of course. There's humor in everything. And like any other lifestyle there are both serious and humorous stereotypes. Here, for your giggles, a few subs that could use some advice.




THE PLEASE PITY ME SUB:
 She (or he) leads a live that she feels is cursed, not blessed. Something is always going wrong and no, none of it is her fault. Every one of her Doms is flawed. They chose her for the wrong reasons. All because the perfect Master is missing. If only he or she could that perfect master life would be good. No more mistakes, no more screwing up. Start living up to her potential–whatever that is.

Hint to sub: Try Master-R-Us.

 THE DO IT TO ME SUB: “Beat me, beat me” could be the mantra of this sub. And they don’t care who is doing the beating or flogging. Frequently misbehaving on purpose, this sub craves the feel of the lash or the flogger. This “sub” just wants to be beaten. It doesn’t really matter by who. Searching for the perfect partner this sub wanders bondage clubs and might as well be wearing a sign that says “Beat Me.”

Hint to sub: Start carrying your own flogger, just in case.

 THE BARBIE-DOLL SUB: 
Or maybe Ken. This sub is just in it for the look–the leather, the boots, even the temporary collar or cuffs. He or she might as well have a tattoo saying “I’m a sub, come and get me.” They’re afraid of the whip, and have never seen a clamp in their lives. They spend their paychecks on bondage fashions and love to visit clubs where they can posture.

Hint: Take off your clothes and let us see the real you.

THE HE CAUSED ME PAIN SUB: These are among my favorites to point fingers at. They rush out to play with a master they might have just met online, maybe in some secluded cabin or gothic mansion or just your normal. Everyday resident with a soundproof dungeon. There’s no negotiation, no discussion of safe words because the sub just wants to “do it.” After a full sessions with restraints, clamps and punishment the sub decides the master is a threat to society and can’t wait to spread the word about him.

Hint to sub: Sell your computer.

THE WHERE-CAN-I-FIND-A-REAL-MAN SUB: 
After burning her way through the usual singles bars and meat factories and co-ed health clubs and every other hookup spot, she decided a Dom would be the perfect answer for her. This “sub”, after exhausting all her singles bar and health club meeting places, decides that the D/s world would be a good place to meet a *man*. She really has no interest in D/s, she just wants a “real man.” Of course after her first session she suddenly loses all interest in sex of any kind.

Hint to sub: Have a pity party with the Poor Me sub.

 THE “I’M GIVING YOU THE GREATEST GIFT” SUB:SUBMISSION IS THE GREATEST GIFT Submissive.
This submissive is starry-eyed and naïve, swooning at the mere thought of a dom, any dom, asking to pass the salt. They declare there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a “better” and “higher” manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. They lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial.
And  reminding the master too frequently what a great gift submission is.

Hint to sub:

While it may be more blessed to give than receive, that only works when you don’t make yourself a pain in the ass.

 So what’s your favorite kind of sub? What do you like? Dislike? Let me know here and you might win a copy of my 1-800 story, DELIGHT ME.

 Come see me at www.desireeholt.com and sign up for my mailing list.

And get all the 1-800 books at http://www.jasminejade.com/s-375-1-800-dom-help.aspx

What (BDSM) Romance Authors are Teaching Their Readers

Looking through this month’s posts, I see trying something new for thirty days, flogging 101, wishing I were a man and a delightful rendition of what I could do with that penis if I had one. If you believe articles that suggest we learn what to expect in relationships from what we read, we BDSM erotic romance authors want you to buy a strap-on and flogger and give them a test run for thirty days.

Seriously?

Now, trying new things is fun, sure. And if you want to really know if it works for you, thirty days is a good test run. But as readers we all know authors aren’t suggestng you try everything we write about.

I’d guess that half of BDSM readers enjoy the fantasy of something different, and half enjoy the lifestyle and like reading what they know, give or take a few readers. And those of you reading BDSM know what you love about it.

I think a good portion either consciously or unconsciously look for the happy ending, regardless of where the sex takes place on the way there. The books in the 1-800-DOM-help series confirm this. We have two Spectrum categories, the same-sex couples who end up with a promise of staying together, at least for a while. The rest, so far at least, are Taboo, covering the heterosexual and multi-partner groups who also end up exploring a relationship at the end.

My upcoming addition to the series, Fighting for Control, follows suit. Marc, Brad and Lori want to see where the lifestyle takes them as a threesome. Making a D/s/D relationship work has to be a challenge, but they’re willing to be flexible, and as long as everyone is open about their needs, they should be able to keep it going indefinitely. Don’t you think?

The underlying theme I see in all our posts, and all our stories, is be true to yourself in sex and in love. Have fun, be open to change, and find the love who deserves you. Life’s too short for anything less!

Flogging 101- a primer for subs and Doms/Dommes

Flogging and other type of contact punishment can be very enjoyable for both the sub and the Dom/Domme but if you;ve never tried it before there are some things you need to know. Here's what I found during my research:

First: Terminology



Snappy" : Like that of a small belt. Snappy is used to describe a small sharp sensation.

"Strappy" : Like that of a medium belt. used to describe a larger, less sharp sensation.

"Thuddy" or “Punchy” : A heavier feeling, usually combined with a "slappy" or "snappy" feel. 
Can cause people to move due to the weight of the blow.

"Stinging" : Like the feel of being snapped by a rubber band to varying degrees depending on how it is used.

"Tingling" : After the initial slap it leaves a nice warm tingle that grows and spreads. 
Usually associated with textured surface paddles.

"Slapping" : Like the slap of a hand, (but limited to the area covered by the device) .

"Whacking" : The feeling of a broad area being struck at once. 
Much like a spanking, usually a feeling derived from paddles, or whips with larger tails.

"Cutting" : The feeling of a narrow area being struck hard (or multiple areas simultaneously). 
Similar to snappy but much, much, more intense, can raise weal's,
 and can feel that the skin has been cut.

(Don't be afraid to try something that sounds fun too!)

Some things for the dominant to consider when purchasing a sensation or punishment toy is how it will be used, how experienced a user you are, 
how experienced your sub is, and what types of sensations they like or are willing to submit to.

While some may enjoy a whack from a paddle, a sharp snap from a rubber whip might not be their thing. That's not to say you can't try to work towards a mutual agreement towards each others desires 
and a little training to get your sub to enjoy playing with a toy they never thought they'd like. Also, a toy that has the sub in fear every time it is brought out could be a good method of punishment, 
as it would hardly need to be used at all to achieve the desired effect on the behavior of the sub.

A few pointers on using your new toy:

For best results, try using your new whip on a pillow to practice your aim. 
To determine feel, use it on the more sensitive inside portion of your arm, 
or swing it over your shoulder so that it lands on your back. 
Start gently and gradually increase the strength of the blows. 
Paddles and crops can be used on your open hand, slapped against your leg, or on your own bum. 
It is important that you know and understand the feelings that the toy will provide for your sub, 
so that you can get the strength and duration of use right.

There are always areas to avoid when using a whip (or any other impact sensation device). 
These include the neck, face and avoid any hits to the lower portions 
of the back and sides where the kidneys are located. 
It does not take a hard hit with a whip to do damage, 
as the tails will whip round the body and speed up as they do, 
thus increasing the strength of the blow at the tips considerably.

The best places are usually the shoulders and upper back , the butt 
(especially the fleshy portion where the bottom meets the back of the thigh), 
the backs of the thighs, and breast area. 
Palms of the hands, and the soles of the feet are also possible, 
but are far more difficult to get right due to the small target area 
and the risk of the whip wrapping round and causing raw pain. 
Favorites vary among individuals, but the breasts and pubic areas can also be fun 
but more care is required, especially if the areas are pierced.

Most importantly, if it's something you've never used before, 
or an area that you have not struck before, make sure to be careful, 
take it slow and discuss the types of things you both find exciting and pleasurable, 
both during and after play. It's always a good idea to take some pointers 
from those who know how to use the toy of your choice.

It may seem silly, but it's good to practice on a pillow. 
Concentrate on your aim and control by trying to hit the same spot over and over. 
If it's a feather pillow, concentrate on your control by not making too much of an 
indentation in the pillow, and once you have mastered that, 
try moving around while continuing to use the toy. 
Very few people will stay still while playing (both doms and subs).

So, find the toy that suits you and your sub, be sure to practice, and above all…enjoy.
Be sure to stop by my blog www.desireeholttellsall.com and my web site www.desiree.com

And pick up your copies of all the stories in the 1-800-DOMHelp series. You can find the list under Series at Ellora's Cave www.jasminejade.com

Subspace has nothing to do with a submarine

When one of my editors asked me to write a novella about subspace I thought, hmm. I’ve heard so much about it but never really studied it. So like everything else, I set out to research it. My first question was: what the hell is subspace actually? I can assure you, it has nothing to do with being in a submarine.

Subspace is a collection of things, depending on who you ask. One definition describes it as a state in which the body and mind are turned on and over-stimulated to the point where extreme levels of pain become pleasurable. the sub enters into a natural occurring trance separating mind and body and it takes a observant Dom to recognize and handle.

Another says subspace is a metaphor for the state the bottom's mind and body is in during a deeply involved play scene. Many types of BDSM play invoke strong physical responses, for example in the use of whips or canes The psychological aspect of BDSM also causes many bottoms to mentally separate themselves from their environment as they process the experience. Deep subspace is often characterized as a state of deep recession and incoherence. A good Dom pays careful attention to the sub to make sure the bottom isn't placing him or her self in danger. Many bottoms require aftercare while returning from subspace.

For
some, it’s the sensation of being out of the body and away from the
events that are going on. This detachment from the body causes the
slave to be able to ‘take’ more pain and more verbal attacks from a
Dominant, often also resulting in the slave complying with every
wish without hesitation or without any resistance. The slave is
sort of a ‘super slave’ at this point – able to do everything that
their Dominant wishes of them.

Another idea is that subspace is the point at which the body begins
to produce endorphins in order to fend off physical pain. This
 rush of chemicals in the body makes the slave feel good and allows
them to forget about anything that might be uncomfortable. Their
brains are telling them that all is right with the world. This
feeling can continue from the scene into the moments and hours
after the scene is over.

During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense.

Since the increase of hormones and chemicals produces a sort of trance-like state, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissives, upon reaching a height of subspace, will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimulus causes the period to prolong.

The physiological and psychological descent from total consciousness to the relaxing, uninhibited plane that is sub-space can be mind-blowing - indeed, mind-expanding - especially the first time it happens.

It’s the BDSM equivalent of “going to your happy place.”

And for some, it’s extremely happy.

Thursday Thirteen: Favorite Implements of Seduction

For this Thursday blog post, I thought I'd consider some of my favorite toys to include in love/sex scenes in an erotic romance.

1.    Hand.

Admit it. There's nothing sexier than the large hand of a sexy man. The way a man grasps an arm...a waist...a breast...or an ass. It's just hot. And when he applies that large palm to an upturned ass for a hot spanking? I mean what could be better than that?





2.    Paddle.

In keeping with the motif of a hot spanking, never underestimate the effectiveness of black leather paddle. The loud slap. The sting.

3.    Cuffs.

What's hotter than a submissive tied up and at the mercy of a sexy dominant? Yeah, exactly. Nothing. I love to use bondage in a scene when I'm writing. Leather cuffs. Metal handcuffs. Whatever it takes to restrain the submissive helps make a scene super hot.





4.  Butt Plug

Some of the hottest scenes I've read by other authors have involved butt plugs. The intimacy of the dominant sliding a butt plug into the willing ass of a submissive makes for a seriously hot read.



5.    Vibrator.


What's hot about a vibrator? What's not? Imagine a dominant applying the buzz to various body parts (clit, nipple, cunt or cock) while the bound sub cries out in pleasure, begging for more. Eventually the submissive screams for the buzzing to stop...and yet it doesn't. Forced orgasms. Climax after climax. Pain and pleasure merge into the ultimate mind fuck.




6.    Rope.

Another kind of bondage. Cuffs have their place, but rope can be used all over a body. Rope bondage is a special kind of hot. It can be used to increase the intimacy between dominant and submissive. It can also be an art form. That's school.

7.    Mouth.

Whether with a kiss, a lick, or a brush, a mouth is one of the sexiest toys around. Better yet, it's portable and always available. The mouth is also a conduit for the voice. Whispers. Commands. Husky. Whimpers and groans of pleasure. The possibilities are limitless.




8.    Spanking Bench.

A spanking bench isn't necessary, but it's a fun addition to any scene. It allows a dominant to have the submissive bent over for a hot spanking. The submissive can be bound to the bench too. Possible scenarios are only limited to the dominant's imagination.

9.    Food.

One of the sexiest scenes in 9 1/2 Weeks was the food scene in the kitchen. Elizabeth is blindfolded and John feeds her. Sticky. Spicy. Wet. Gooey. Talk about hot. Food stimulates the appetite...all appetites.

 

10.  Candles.

Candles provide subdued lighting to set an intimate mood. In addition, candles provide melted wax for sexy scenes involving drips of hot wax on sensitive skin. To get wild and crazy, add a little fire play to the mix to create a hint of danger.

11.  St. Andrews Cross.

Another alternative for bondage possibilities. Of course, the submissive could just stand against it and hold on, but combining rope with the cross adds to the mental intensity of the scene. The submissive feels helpless in a delicious way. They are able to really give themselves up to their dominant for an intensely hot scene.

12.  Ball gag.

Sometimes a scene is hotter when a submissive begs loud and long. But sometimes, a ball gag can be added to help the submissive immerse themselves even deeper into their own submission.

13.  Brain.

Okay, it doesn't LOOK sexy, but it is the most imperative part of a hot scene. Tease the brain and the body will follow. The dominant uses the brain to plan the scene out and to tease the submissive's wild imagination.





So what do you think?  Are any of these your favorites? Have I missed anything you think I should have included?

Roses and Chains Release Day!

Yay! Woohoo! Roses and Chains, the next 1-800-DOM-help book, is out today! It's an M/f/f featuring a new male Dom and two female subs. This was my first menage, and I hope you enjoy reading it half as much as I enjoyed writing it.

The blurb:

Take one adorable suburban couple just starting to realize their D/s relationship isn't quite enough to satisfy. Add one cute and quirky sub who can't seem to find a Dom to suit her tastes. Place them in a room full of sex toys and candlelight, roses and chains...

And after a few smoking-hot nights of pleasure and exploration, all three might just find what they're looking for.

What's that? You'd like to read an excerpt? But of course (WARNING: it's a naughty, not-safe-for-work, grownups-only sort of excerpt...and it's an exclusive)!

AN EXCERPT FROM ROSES AND CHAINS

Copyright © DELPHINE DRYDEN, 2011

All Rights Reserved, Ellora's Cave Publishing, Inc.

Scenes in the main room at the club weren’t Mara Tyndall’s favorite thing. But they served their purpose.

Tonight, that purpose was to make her forget her very stupid recent attempt to date outside her flavor. He was Plain Vanilla, she was Rocky Road. She should have known it could never work.

“I think this side’s done. Time to turn you over and toast the other side, slutski.”

Mistress Amie was relentlessly perky. Her kitten-with-a-whip insouciance struck a particularly cruel note tonight, because she knew exactly why Mara was there. She knew what Mara needed. And in her relentless, perky, cruel way, she was not saying “I told you so.”

She was not saying it very loudly, with everything she did and every expression on her face.

“Fucking…cheerleader from hell,” Mara gasped as Mistress Amie loosened the leather cuffs around her ankles. For her sass she received a brisk slap on the upper thigh where the flogger marks were still flushing, blending into one blotchy pink map of the pain she’d endured thus far this evening. Mara groaned when the Mistress released the restraints around her wrists and she lowered her arms too suddenly.

“I can see we’re not quite there yet. Okay, stretch it out then face the cross.”

Amie really did sound as if she were leading an exercise class. Which was appropriate, because she was a Pilates instructor and personal trainer. The kind who made a lot of money making wealthy people hate her guts, but love the results she helped them achieve. After all, Amie was an expert at getting people to take more pain than they ever thought they could tolerate.

Mara knew the heights Amie could inspire her to. They had spent close to a year, off and on, exploring those heights, and although her mind might resist returning, her body was already responding all too eagerly to the cheerful Mistress’s wicked ministrations.

“And now,” Mistress Amie chirped, shackling the leather back into place as Mara inspected the top crotch of the St. Andrew’s cross she was now facing, “let’s work that rear.”

The paint’s chipping. Tad needs to touch this thing up.

“Count off.”

The flogger cracked against her butt and she reflexively shouted, “One!” before her brain caught up. “How high, Mistress?”

“I’ll let you know. You know math isn’t really my thing, sweetcheeks.”

“Two!” Against the upper thigh.

“Three!” Really hard across the shoulders.

The unpredictability slowly lost its edge, ceased to engage her mind and instead forced her to relax, to accept that there would be a blow, that she wouldn’t know where the pain would land next. She was buffeted this way and that, just a leaf, and Amie’s flogger was the wind.

“Do you need to come?” The chipper, smug voice in her ear was accompanied by a surprisingly gentle hand that traced the line of her spine from neck to ass. “Hmm? You want me to make you come for me, Mara?”

The hand dipped lower, following the curve of one cheek, ending up cupping the top of one inner thigh. Amie wouldn’t touch her pussy unless Mara asked for it. Tonight was just a favor, and an orgasm would be another favor. Another reason for Amie to avoid saying “I told you so”.

But she needed it too much. She needed to come, in order to feel as if the scene was over for the evening. Submitting to her own needs was more important than submitting to Amie. It took more humility.

She nodded.

“No. You know better. Say it.”

“Please make me come.”

“No. You know what I need to hear, slut.” Amie paused then added more quietly, “You know what you need to say.”

“Mistress. I need to come, please make me come, Mistress.”

Is it lunch or munch? or both?

Two years ago as I was immersing myself in BDSM research I discovered a neat social activity–a munch. What, you might say, is a munch? I have since discovered that a lot of people (including one final line editor) thought I meant lunch. Nope. Uh uh./ This is a great social activity, an informal gathering of people who have a common interest in BDSM. They are usually held in restaurants, in a special or private room so privacy is protected. They are usually informal affairs, with a loose structure, and are publicized online so people can find them.

Want to dip your toes into the BDSM waters? This might be a good place to start.

Munches were started in the early 1990s by people interested in the life who were online (this was before the Internet went viral). As the Internet grew in popularity the idea caught on and gatherings began to be organized at cities all across the country. And they continue to expand.

People who attend munches are usually intelligent, imaginative and very individualistic. It’s their interest in BDSM that draws them together. Some munches are arranged for people with specific interests or fetishes. Others can be for specific age groups. Or they can be just an all-out gathering. There is always a designated host who controls and arranges the event. If this is your first time and there are specific protocols to follow, someone will greet you as a newbie and make sure you understand.

What should you wear? Not something highly informal if you want to make a good first impression, but nice casual clothing works. Also all black. Dressing in fetish clothing may not be appropriate unless you’ve been told otherwise. On the other hand, don't be too surprised if you see people wearing items of black leather clothing or footwear, and please try to not look too shocked if you see someone happily eating and chatting away while wearing a collar of leather or steel locked around their neck.

Some people use special names for when they are in the scene. Many use scene-related jargon to let others now what their special interests are.

One last ting to remember. Be aware that the privacy of attendees is always protected. People who come to munches are interacting in a highly personal aspect of their lives. Because protecting the privacy of attendees is so important, it can be discourteous to ask someone direct, specific questions about what they do for a living, what company they work for, details about where they live, if they're in a committed relationship, and so forth. It's fine if they volunteer such information. The rule: when in doubt keep your mouth shut!!!! Violating the confidentiality rule can get you shunned and banned.

So, if you’ve had a craving to check out the scene and want a social environment in which to do it, just Google munches in your area and enjoy!

Be sure to check out all the 1-800-DOMHelp stories, and come visit me at www.desireeholt.com

Fetish Friday: Liberate Me!

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