Thursday, July 21, 2011

The many flavors of subs-and I don't mean sandwiches

Is there humor in BDSM?? Of course. There's humor in everything. And like any other lifestyle there are both serious and humorous stereotypes. Here, for your giggles, a few subs that could use some advice.

 She (or he) leads a live that she feels is cursed, not blessed. Something is always going wrong and no, none of it is her fault. Every one of her Doms is flawed. They chose her for the wrong reasons. All because the perfect Master is missing. If only he or she could that perfect master life would be good. No more mistakes, no more screwing up. Start living up to her potential–whatever that is.
Hint to sub: Try Master-R-Us.
 THE DO IT TO ME SUB: “Beat me, beat me” could be the mantra of this sub. And they don’t care who is doing the beating or flogging. Frequently misbehaving on purpose, this sub craves the feel of the lash or the flogger. This “sub” just wants to be beaten. It doesn’t really matter by who. Searching for the perfect partner this sub wanders bondage clubs and might as well be wearing a sign that says “Beat Me.”
Hint to sub: Start carrying your own flogger, just in case.
Or maybe Ken. This sub is just in it for the look–the leather, the boots, even the temporary collar or cuffs. He or she might as well have a tattoo saying “I’m a sub, come and get me.” They’re afraid of the whip, and have never seen a clamp in their lives. They spend their paychecks on bondage fashions and love to visit clubs where they can posture.
Hint: Take off your clothes and let us see the real you.
THE HE CAUSED ME PAIN SUB: These are among my favorites to point fingers at. They rush out to play with a master they might have just met online, maybe in some secluded cabin or gothic mansion or just your normal. Everyday resident with a soundproof dungeon. There’s no negotiation, no discussion of safe words because the sub just wants to “do it.” After a full sessions with restraints, clamps and punishment the sub decides the master is a threat to society and can’t wait to spread the word about him.
Hint to sub: Sell your computer.
After burning her way through the usual singles bars and meat factories and co-ed health clubs and every other hookup spot, she decided a Dom would be the perfect answer for her. This “sub”, after exhausting all her singles bar and health club meeting places, decides that the D/s world would be a good place to meet a *man*. She really has no interest in D/s, she just wants a “real man.” Of course after her first session she suddenly loses all interest in sex of any kind.
Hint to sub: Have a pity party with the Poor Me sub.
This submissive is starry-eyed and na├»ve, swooning at the mere thought of a dom, any dom, asking to pass the salt. They declare there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a “better” and “higher” manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. They lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial.
And  reminding the master too frequently what a great gift submission is.
Hint to sub:
While it may be more blessed to give than receive, that only works when you don’t make yourself a pain in the ass.
 So what’s your favorite kind of sub? What do you like? Dislike? Let me know here and you might win a copy of my 1-800 story, DELIGHT ME.
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  1. I like a sub that knows what she wants and how she wants it. Her master should be able to talk to the sub and work out the major issues. During the play session, the master should try new things with the sub and see if it fits or not. I can't stand a sub that is so weak that you just want to slap them. Plus, I'm not into the whole "total pain" sub. Not into beatings.

  2. email

  3. I like a sub who knows what they want and how they want. No mili-mouse sub for me. I want to read about a sub that I don't feel I have to slap upside their head.

  4. I choose: None of the above. I say we herd the whole bunch of them into their own special club/space and let them entertain themselves to their "heart's content."
    I like the true, meaningful "power exchange" situation.

    Love your books, Desiree. Please keep 'em comin'.

    Margie Hager

  5. I'm afraid I see myself in the Barbie doll and needs a real man subs. Hey, wouldn't that make a great opener for a single ad: Barbie Doll needs Real Man. You've pegged them well, Desiree!

  6. I swear my post still hasn't posted but I will make another comment here...I'm more dominant than submissive. I have some sub tendancies but I'm more bossy than anything. Still a great post and when I read the Barbie doll sub, all I could think about was the movie Toy Story 3 and Barbie was NO submissive. Ken was...

  7. That's hilarious Des! and so true!

    Congratulation on the series:-)

  8. I love the sub who starts out as a Barbie doll, until she learns how intense and erotic command and submit to the right Dom can be.

    caity_mack at yahoo dot com
    cathy m

  9. Don't you mean"Barbie Doll tired of Ken, need a 'real package' deal"?

    I suppose I most dislike the he-caused-me-pain subs. Their utter and complete stupidity has made life miserable for people who never even met them.Instantly recognizible as the "screamer" in any slasher movie, they head straight for the most obvious danger available. If thy survive, they then blame everyone but themselves.