Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Taking Care of a Top

Most (good) BDSM erotic romance stories make a point of showing how the Dom(me)s care for their submissives after their erotic scenes. This means both physical and emotional care. A Dominant checks for bodily harm, cleans her partner, rubs in needed ointments, makes sure he is hydrated, fed, snuggled and coddled if need be. A sub needs support, nuturing and affection after their endorphins have been flying and they've just experienced a highly dependent state. This is crucial because emotional "aftershocks" can happen following play scenes.

But what we don't read about as often is the existence of emotional aftershocks for the Doms or Tops. They exist. Tops have limits, too. And sometimes what they do in a scene, even if it has been mutually agreed upon by all participants and brings pleasure and satisfaction, causes doubts and questions to arise. Tops may experience guilt, shame and horror over being so turned on by their darker actions. And so the term "top drop" has been coined to refer to that time, maybe minutes, maybe a few days, after a scene when a Dominant may feel depressed or inadequate, full of self-doubt or questioning their sanity. Was the sub really turned on or just faking it to be nice?

Let's not forget that the rush of endorphins happen for the Top as well. The intensity of a scene, the experience of falling into such a complete role, and being closely in tune with the submissive's emotional roller coaster ride, does a number on a Dominant's own chemicals. That is why the power of a BDSM scene is amazing, because of the connection it can foster. Yet this means a Dom is vulnerable to the same post-endorphin drop as a submissive.

It's crucial that a Top reach out for support as well. They can reach out to the bottom with whom they played or just to good friends in the BDSM community. Tops deserve the same support as bottoms. Crafting a healthy scene comes with a lot of responsibility and burden. It can be exhausting at times. And we don't want to burn out good Dominants. Think of all of the fun the subbies will be missing.

Safe, sane and consensual,


  1. Very informative Michelle. It's important to keep the top as happy as the bottom so that everyone gets to play nice...very nice. Wink.

  2. Great post. Lots of intense emotions going on during a scene. Love the outfit of the woman in the pic. :)