Is it lunch or munch? or both?

Two years ago as I was immersing myself in BDSM research I discovered a neat social activity–a munch. What, you might say, is a munch? I have since discovered that a lot of people (including one final line editor) thought I meant lunch. Nope. Uh uh./ This is a great social activity, an informal gathering of people who have a common interest in BDSM. They are usually held in restaurants, in a special or private room so privacy is protected. They are usually informal affairs, with a loose structure, and are publicized online so people can find them.

Want to dip your toes into the BDSM waters? This might be a good place to start.

Munches were started in the early 1990s by people interested in the life who were online (this was before the Internet went viral). As the Internet grew in popularity the idea caught on and gatherings began to be organized at cities all across the country. And they continue to expand.

People who attend munches are usually intelligent, imaginative and very individualistic. It’s their interest in BDSM that draws them together. Some munches are arranged for people with specific interests or fetishes. Others can be for specific age groups. Or they can be just an all-out gathering. There is always a designated host who controls and arranges the event. If this is your first time and there are specific protocols to follow, someone will greet you as a newbie and make sure you understand.

What should you wear? Not something highly informal if you want to make a good first impression, but nice casual clothing works. Also all black. Dressing in fetish clothing may not be appropriate unless you’ve been told otherwise. On the other hand, don't be too surprised if you see people wearing items of black leather clothing or footwear, and please try to not look too shocked if you see someone happily eating and chatting away while wearing a collar of leather or steel locked around their neck.

Some people use special names for when they are in the scene. Many use scene-related jargon to let others now what their special interests are.

One last ting to remember. Be aware that the privacy of attendees is always protected. People who come to munches are interacting in a highly personal aspect of their lives. Because protecting the privacy of attendees is so important, it can be discourteous to ask someone direct, specific questions about what they do for a living, what company they work for, details about where they live, if they're in a committed relationship, and so forth. It's fine if they volunteer such information. The rule: when in doubt keep your mouth shut!!!! Violating the confidentiality rule can get you shunned and banned.

So, if you’ve had a craving to check out the scene and want a social environment in which to do it, just Google munches in your area and enjoy!

Be sure to check out all the 1-800-DOMHelp stories, and come visit me at www.desireeholt.com

Shifting Culture

What does it mean when a mainstream singer produces a video with blatant BDSM elements? Sure, lots of performers play with the idea of kink and sexuality. But Rihanna's new video is chock full of images from the lifestyle. I read one comment from someone in the BDSM community asking if this song felt like an anthem for them? I wouldn't go that far. I think everyone picks their own personal soundtrack to their life and for a community that appreciates diversity as a rule (or so I pray)I'd hate to identify one song as an anthem. Still, this song, when coupled with the video, goes a step farther than most of the music I've heard. Maybe Madonna's song Erotica matches it, but not in the same fun, lay it on the line manner that Rihanna does. So what does a video like the one below do for BDSM within mainstream culture? Make it a laughing matter or one for more derision? I don't know. I hope not. I do know that society shifts through exposure to new ideas and images. Slowly, but it does. The video will probably redirect you to play on YouTube directly. I posted this on my own blogsite last week. Tell me what you think. Safe, sane and consensual, Michelle

Fantasy Domme

Saturday I was very excited to have my swag for the Romantic Times conference delivered. I found these adorable fetish key chains. They have mini floggers or paddles on them and I hope they will be a big hit with a certain crowd of the attendees(or maybe just the curious). I was not surprised by the picture on the cover of the box they came in, but I was annoyed by it. It obviously was designed with the straight non-sub guy in mind. The woman is a sex kitten kind of fantasy Domme, hardly the way I look or the way any Domme I know looks. It’s a variation of the schizophrenic way that many men view women anyway – the virgin whore. What they picture is a Domme who looks the way they picture a sub. There’s no power in the image. It’s certainly not what a true male sub is looking for. Oh, well, the world is run by straight, non-fetish men.

The key chains are still adorable.

Sam

A Rose by any other name...

Names are powerful things. They set the tone for an erotic romance...or a scene between a dominant and submissive.

In an erotic romance, if the author picks the wrong names for the protagonists - it will destroy the mood.

For example...

"Herbert slid his arm around Zelda's waist and bent his head to kiss her neck."

Okay - a good author can rock those names, but neither of those names would be my first choice  (no offense to any Herberts or Zeldas who might be reading). Names set the tone. They help make the sexy mood sexier.

Likewise, in a D/s scene the names the top and bottom use are important. My personal kink does not go with Daddy and baby girl, though I know that for MANY people those would get people fanning themselves and asking, "Damn, is it warm in here?" For me, as a reader, it doesn't fly. To each their own kink.

When I write BDSM erotic romances, I like going with Sir or Master for my male dom but I'm always a little uncertain about what to use as a nickname for my submissive. At an RT panel last year, I heard an editor say that if they read another BDSM romance where the Dom hero called the sub heroine "Kitten" just once more, they'd puke. When I got back to my hotel room, I opened up a BDSM romance I was working on and did a global replace because, yeah, my hero was calling the heroine "Kitten." Sigh.  I changed it to pet. Then realized how many times I used the nickname and it seemed like it was every other word.

I felt like I'd end up bald from pulling my hair out as I tried to figure out a pleasing sounding nickname or endearment. You know a "special" name that only HE would call her. I finally figured something out for that particular story, but the problem remains an issue with each new story.

I've had the hero use "honey" or "sweetheart." Those work in vanilla or BDSM scenarios. But sometimes I really want to use something a little...exotic. Something that makes the story seem kinkier. BDSMier. Yeah, I know BDSMier isn't a word - but you get what I mean. Go with me here.

Was "the bard" right? Would a rose by any other name still smell as sweet? Or is the name the thing? I'd welcome suggestions. What do you enjoy hearing  a sub call his/her dominant? What would you like a dominant to call his/her sub? 

Emerald Dungeon New Release

Emerald Dungeon New Release for 1-800-DOM-help Series



I'm thrilled to announce the release of my new book in the 1-800-DOM-help series. This was a fun book to write and I hope you'll all enjoy the story. Here's the blurb and a sexy excerpt to follow.

Blurb:

Dana’s summer job as a musician in an Irish castle takes an adventurous turn after she witnesses a BDSM scene in the dungeon, and her submissive side is aroused.

Jack is a sexy Dominant who recognizes the sub smoldering beneath the demure exterior. His skillful commands take Dana beyond her darkest erotic fantasies.

Whips, restraints and increasing levels of pain heighten her passion, but complete surrender and ecstasy is out of her reach. Will a summer affair be enough to find what they both need? The appearance of a mysterious 1-800-DOM-help business card offers to guide them. Secrets and strange events around the castle only add to their troubles. If Dana can accept Jack with complete trust and surrender, then ultimate pleasure and true love is possible.

Excerpt:

“You were frightened today by something. What was it?”

The question slammed into her as if he’d dunked her back into the bog. She swallowed. “I’m not sure if frightened is the right word. At first I was, maybe. Curious, confused, intrigued. I’m not sure how I feel.”

He nodded. “Want to tell me about it?”

Studying his face, she saw concern and warmth in his eyes. “Yes, I do want to tell you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. That’s why I followed those people into the forest.”

“What happened at the castle this afternoon?” He took her hand.

She felt like she could trust him and it didn’t seem like such a big deal now. “It’s kind of embarrassing. I went into the castle, even though Mr. Donegal said it was closed. I was curious and wanted to look around, maybe find my harp. I saw a light flickering in the basement and thought there was a fire so I went to check it out.”

“You found the dungeon.” His mouth twitched into a slight smile.

“Two people were having a…sex.”

“Really?” He held her gaze as if he was studying her response to the event. “Is that what scared you?”

“No, I mean, at first I thought the woman was in trouble because she was naked and tied up, hanging by her hands and feet. But then she seemed to be enjoying it quite a bit. And a man in a robe was whipping her.” Dana shivered.

“Guess you’ve never done anything like that.”

“No!” With Dana’s abrupt answer, Jack glanced into the fire again.

“When you realized the woman was having a grand time, you took off?” He met her gaze so intensely, her heart leapt in her chest.

“No.”

“No?”

“I couldn’t stop watching. The woman was obviously in ecstasy. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that. And I thought I’d had a couple decent lovers in my past.”

He chuckled. “Damon did say he thought you were getting turned on by watching.”

“Damon told you I was there?”

“Yep.”

“And you let me go through all the gory details?” She felt her face flush, her pussy tingling, from the memory and from sharing it with Jack.

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?” He grasped her arms and pulled her closer.

“You wanted to hear a good sex story?” She grinned.

Smiling, he shook his head. The smoldering look he gave her sent her heart fluttering. “I wanted to know about you. How you felt about that situation.”

“Why?” But she had a feeling she knew the answer.

“To see how familiar you are of that lifestyle.”

“Not very, I’m afraid. You?”

His look was so intense, she had to hold her breath. “I’m a Dom. I’ve been in the lifestyle for years.”

“Oh.” Breathing again. His admission frightened her a little but she was more excited by it. The business card came to mind. 1-800-DOM-help. Could Jack have put the card in her sweatshirt? He didn’t seem the type to do sneaky things. “That’s interesting. I’d like to hear more.”

Had he been wondering about her during their flirty conversations online? Could he be fanaticizing about torturing her the same way? All she knew of this lifestyle was from an erotic novel she’d read. Now that she thought about it, the story had shocked her then but also turned her on. She had been too embarrassed to talk about it with the boyfriend she’d been with at the time, but those fantasies had drifted into her mind during their lovemaking.

“Good answer,” Jack said. Before she could say another word, he slipped his hand around to the back of her neck and lowered his warm lips to hers. The slow, gentle kiss teased her mouth then he moved to her ear. Her fingers dug into his hips, wanting more, so much more. Turning her head, she drew his mouth into a kiss again.

He moaned and parted her lips with his tongue. The intensity and heat surged through her body in sensuous waves. Hooking his arm under her knees he pulled her across his lap and deepened the kiss. They both gasped for air.

She could feel the hard ridge of his engorged cock pressing against her thigh. Skin, she wanted bare skin against her. She wanted him. Boldly, her hands slid under his shirt, across his hard abdomen to his chest and felt his arms tighten around her. Then he grasped her breasts, first through the sweatshirt, then yanked it off, tossing it aside. His mouth captured one nipple and sucked it, rubbing the tip with his tongue, leaving raw nerve endings tingling.

Jack’s clothes were so loose on her, it wouldn’t take much for her to wriggle out of them. The thought heightened her arousal, making her clit throb. Images of the extreme sex scene in the dungeon played over and over in Dana’s mind. This was a side to her sensuality she must explore. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she met Jack’s gaze. “Teach me. I want to understand what this is all about.”

He closed his eyes and took in a breath, then looked at her for a long moment. “It’s not for everyone.”

“That’s what I’d like to find out.”

Abruptly, he pushed away from her, stood and walked into the kitchen area. She stared at the fire for a moment deciding whether or not to press him. Finally, she got to her feet and went into the kitchen. “I struck a nerve. Can you tell me why?”

He nodded. “A woman I was involved with was curious about the D/s lifestyle. It wasn’t for her and she left. It was hard on both of us.”

“Well, you know ahead of time this would be a brief arrangement. I’m only here until the end of summer. Haven’t you had a casual affair before?”

“A few at the clubs.”

“Then we both know what to expect.”

“Perhaps.” But he didn’t sound convinced. What was wrong with a summer romance and sexual exploration between two adults? She’d leave Ireland with fond memories of her hunky liaison, and he might remember her as his sexy American fling. They would remain friends after. Wouldn’t they?

Then a jolt of excitement and part fear struck her. Would he tie her up like Shannon? Part of her wanted to try that and part of her was terrified of the thought. “Are you going to take me to the dungeon?”

BUY LINK

Taking Care of a Top

Most (good) BDSM erotic romance stories make a point of showing how the Dom(me)s care for their submissives after their erotic scenes. This means both physical and emotional care. A Dominant checks for bodily harm, cleans her partner, rubs in needed ointments, makes sure he is hydrated, fed, snuggled and coddled if need be. A sub needs support, nuturing and affection after their endorphins have been flying and they've just experienced a highly dependent state. This is crucial because emotional "aftershocks" can happen following play scenes.

But what we don't read about as often is the existence of emotional aftershocks for the Doms or Tops. They exist. Tops have limits, too. And sometimes what they do in a scene, even if it has been mutually agreed upon by all participants and brings pleasure and satisfaction, causes doubts and questions to arise. Tops may experience guilt, shame and horror over being so turned on by their darker actions. And so the term "top drop" has been coined to refer to that time, maybe minutes, maybe a few days, after a scene when a Dominant may feel depressed or inadequate, full of self-doubt or questioning their sanity. Was the sub really turned on or just faking it to be nice?

Let's not forget that the rush of endorphins happen for the Top as well. The intensity of a scene, the experience of falling into such a complete role, and being closely in tune with the submissive's emotional roller coaster ride, does a number on a Dominant's own chemicals. That is why the power of a BDSM scene is amazing, because of the connection it can foster. Yet this means a Dom is vulnerable to the same post-endorphin drop as a submissive.

It's crucial that a Top reach out for support as well. They can reach out to the bottom with whom they played or just to good friends in the BDSM community. Tops deserve the same support as bottoms. Crafting a healthy scene comes with a lot of responsibility and burden. It can be exhausting at times. And we don't want to burn out good Dominants. Think of all of the fun the subbies will be missing.

Safe, sane and consensual,
Michelle

Waxing Poetic and Feeling the Burn...

When I was a kid I was fascinated by candles. The way they flickered in the darkness. The way the wax pooled around the wick. I used to run my finger into the hot wax then watch while it hardened on my fingertip. I'd dip my finger again and again watch, fascinated, while the wax went from liquid to solid. The sting and heat held an appeal all their own. Well, I didn't know it, but I'd discovered a budding interest in wax play. 

Because you're literally playing with fire, you have to be very careful when you indulge in wax play. First, and most obviously--the flame itself. In order to not burn your house down, anyone indulging in this kind of BDSM play has to plan for fire control - not just orgasm control. Have a fire extinguisher handy. Second, wax is hot stuff - some waxes are hotter than others. Make sure you have ice and burn ointment handy. Remember, safety is a good thing. After you've handled the basics you can move on to setting the scene.

Wax sticks to everything. And it doesn't come out of fabric or hair very well. To protect fabric get a vinyl shower curtain from a local discount store and spread it over your play area. The sub's hair should get pulled back and tucked away.

In researching this I've discovered one important thing. No matter how nice it smells, don't use beeswax. It just burns too hot and while you want to feel the burn...you don't want to experience burn. There is a distinction, however fine it might be.

Preferred waxes - parafin and/or soy based. Both have a fairly low melting point and are therefore less likely to cause burns. Parafin is easy to get and is pretty inexpensive.



In fact, you can go into the grocery story (to the canning section) and pick up a nice block of parafin, if pouring will be involved. There are wax heaters available for therapeutic parafin baths/dips. You can even use a crock pot IF it has a variety of settings. Look for a simmer setting. And ALWAYS...but ALWAYS test the wax on yourself before you start your pour/drip/play. If candles are your thing then use votives, pillars and taper candles for different...effects.

Avoid scents. The oils used to add the scent to the candle will make the wax melt at a higher temperature, so burns become possible. Colors also affect the melting point. Red candles burn hotter than white ones. Players can adjust the heat of the wax by how high above the sub the top begins the drip/pour process.



Grendelkhan, author



Be sure to avoid puddles because they can cause the drippee to be burned. Spots like the belly button or the vagina need special care. Removing the wax after play can be a bit tricky. A plastic spatula...or if the top wants to inject some mindfuck into the game, a dull knife can be used to scrape the hardened wax off the bottom.



The heat. The impact of the drips. The mindgame of the flame and the blade. All of these combine to create an intensely intimate experience between the participants. Sigh. Off to write a really hot love/sex scene now. I'm inspired.

What do you think? Would you be the dripper or the drippee? Are you fascinated by flame and wax which combine to provide a truly exciting experience for adventurous lovers?  



How About A Little Hanky Panky?

Whoever would have thought that something as unassuming as a bandana could indicate sexual preference/practices? Certainly not me, but then I heard about something used by leather folk. It's called "the hanky code." The basic idea is that what you wear where indicates what you are up for. Now this takes the "what side are your keys on" question and brings a whole new depth. Still, it isn't something that just burst onto the scene in Castro. No, it's older than that.

Seems it started back when the west was wild, the men were plentiful and the women, not-so-much. Due to the lack of women in the wild west, some cowboys and miners resorted to dancing with one another at the square dances. A handkerchief worn on one side of the body indicated that person was dancing the woman's part while a handkerchief worn on the other side indicated that person was dancing the man's part. Obviously there would have been some cowboys way more interested in dancing the woman's part than others, but I digress. Even though cowboys are incredibly hot, right? Who doesn't like the iconic image of a quiet man who just gets the job done?

This eventually evolved into a code used by gay subculture groups to indicate various preferences for sexual acts. During the sexually free times that were the 1970's, you could have sex with someone without even speaking to them. Of course we can still do that, but our knowledge of AIDS has changed that. But back then, imagine how you got dressed for an evening out. You weren't just picking out the right pair of Wranglers. It was a bit more complicated than that.

First you had to decide if you were a Top or a bottom or a switch. No matter what your color hanky, it went on the right if you were into receiving. Givers flagged right. If you wore a black bandanna on the left side of your body (or knotted around your neck with the knot on the left side) you were telling those in the know that you were a top into SM without ever speaking a sentence – sort of like Tops wearing their keys on the left side of their bodies. This is not as prevalent today, but if you go to the right clubs, you will still see it in use.

Colors were used to indicate exactly what you would like from your partner. The color code itself varies widely and some fetish shops even sell bandanas with a listing of the meaning of each color. Because there are so many kinks, there are a lot of colors. There's even a doily one! Kid you not. Thanks to the advent of the Smartphone, you don't have to worry about not knowing. You can load up the Hanky Code app so you can discretely check what that silver lame` hanky on the right might mean.

So, in Needing Harte Ramey Nichols could wear any of the following colors: black (SM), dark blue (anal sex), light blue (oral sex), medium blue (into uniforms – either wearing them or having sex with someone else wearing one), light pink (dildos), robin's egg blue (69), deep aqua (sex in the water/shower) or fuchsia (spanking). Any or all of these colors worn on the right side of his body would indicate Ramey was open for any of the above as a receiver or bottom.

Harte, on the other hand, could have worn black, fuchsia, grey, dark blue, light blue, robin's egg blue and possibly medium blue on the left side, indicating he was open to topping in any of those combinations. Neither one of them would have flagged with a ziploc baggie though.

In All Tied Up, our Merry Kinkmas story, our Master Darling would definitely wear gray on the left at a minimum while Wendy could have gone left or right on several colors. You can learn more about the hanky code here. Have some fun with this. Pick up any of the hot 1-800-DOM-help books today. As you read it, keep that hanky code handy. What would you wear if you were going out tonight?

And Now a Message From Your Kinky Mom

While researching female fantasies I stumbled across an article discussing the popularity among young women to find casual sex partners online. Whether dating through the popular online services and sleeping with those that appealed, or hooking up through someplace like Craigslist, these stories sent the mom in me screaming. Girls, girls, what are you thinking?

Young men, too, admitted to the practice. Studies even reported an increase in people hooking up online following the murder done by The Craigslist Killer. And I shiver in fear for them.

When the women detailed scenes of bondage, spanking and such, I realized how much more important it is for those in the BDSM lifestyle.

Do you practice safety, whether in dating or lifestyle practices? As a single woman I "get" the appeal of sex with no strings attached, or a one-time scene to explore new avenues. It's liberating, playing by your own rules. But are you really?

Powererotics, a BDSM site, has an excellent Q&A on safety. The truth of the matter is, we never know what's in the mind of another person, so we take steps to lessen the chances of a dangerous situation occurring.


The article I read that started my mom-worries was at Glamour.com, and it ends with suggestions for safety when meeting someone for the first time, no matter where you connected. Nothing extreme, just sane, logical ideas to protect yourself. It's worth reading, and rereading every time you're feeling the rush of a new acquaintance.

This is your kinky mom speaking. You are important. You deserve exciting sex and a long life. Take the steps ahead of time to see you get both. And always be sure you have plenty of condoms!

Fetish Friday: Yes, yes, OMG YES! But not just yet...

Orgasm control. Oh, the old standby in so many BDSM books. The hero or heroine (or their willing victim) cannot come unless granted permission. And hey, if you have to ask, nine times out of ten you can bet the answer is going to be “no” or at best “not yet”. But as soon as Master says “jump”, the sub’s body says “how high?” and an epic climax results. I think we all want to believe in the holy grail of ultimate arousal—being so turned on that you are, in effect, hypnotized by passion or by your partner. Your lover can just command your body to have a reaction, and it will. Voila! Orgasm on demand!

Dudes, use some caution
as you exercise restraint.

In truth, it’s more complicated than that…but this phenomenon does indeed exist in the BDSM world. Note that there are two distinct practices that often get confused: orgasm control and orgasm denial. In orgasm denial, the sub (or whoever) does not eventually reach gratification within the scene or other time frame. He or she is psychologically and/or physically prevented from climaxing, for days or weeks or longer…even though he may be deliberately and repeatedly stimulated to arousal during that time (long-term this may be dangerous, for men particularly; always do your research).

Orgasm control, however, is different. The perfect “come on verbal command” scenario we often see in books is really the end result of a process that usually takes quite some time to achieve between partners (or you can do it solo, of course, per your personal taste). I’ll describe this in terms of a Dom and sub, but feel free to substitute genders/roles as you like.

I should mention there is a lesser version of this technique that’s very commonly used, of course; the sub asks permission to come, the Dom says no, the sub grins and bears it, rinse and repeat. But at a certain point, if stimulation is continued or the sub can no longer control the reaction, there will be an orgasm whether it’s permitted or not. The more familiar the partners are with one another, the finer the degree of control. But there is also more “formal” orgasm control, which is a truly interesting process and seems akin to hypnosis and/or self-hynosis in many ways.

Ivan Pavlov...oh yeah, baby

The basic process is that the Dom stimulates the sub repeatedly to a point just below the threshold of no return (the “brink”, which is why this is sometimes called “brinking” or “edging”). Then the stimulation is stopped to allow arousal to subside so orgasm is prevented. By pairing consistent verbal suggestions or other signals with the stimulation and the rapid retreat from orgasm, the Dom can train the sub to associate these states with the commands and then slowly scale back the physical stimulation until only the verbal command is necessary. Similarly, using a specific word or phrase when orgasm is finally allowed can train the sub (if already aroused, at least) to climax on command with less and less physical stimulation until verbal control is reached. Descriptions of this vary somewhat but it’s all pretty much classical conditioning, courtesy of Ivan Pavlov.

If anyone could, it'd be this guy.

Obviously, individual results will almost certainly vary along a spectrum. I suspect willing suspension of disbelief plays a big part here (as does an individual’s general susceptibility to hypnotism). But I think it’s a fascinating glimpse into just how deeply psychological BDSM play can get. The ultimate Dom power trip: “I can make you have an orgasm…with my brain.”

Or at least…with my voice.

Hurts So Good

Ouch! Ahhhhhh! What’s it all about pain and pleasure? When I try to explain to someone that, yes, pain can bring about pleasure during a sexual experience, I get that “look”. So, the science geek in me had to do a little research to prove my point. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns gives an excellent explanation of four types or four levels of pain that might be experienced during a BDSM scene.

Total Conversion – No pain is experienced because the person is brought up so slowly to the pain from soft caresses, to erotic touching and teasing, to light strokes and eventually whipping. The bottom’s experiences the strikes from the whip as an erotic massage and sexual arousal increases. The top initiates the level of pain stimulation in sync with and slightly below the level of sexual stimulation, so the bottom is not aware of the pain. A very skilled top or dominate, I’d say.

Contrapolar Stimulation – This technique of a mixture of pleasure and pain is a gradual buildup, starting at a harsher level than the one above. This is the “hurts so good” pain. There’s some pain but just enough to stimulate sexual tension.

Derivative Pleasure– Not everyone will like this type of play. It’s deliberately painful and to some can be quite pleasurable, to others, not so much. Whatever is your kink. Pain is caused by the use of whip, paddle, slapper, cane, riding crop, etc. Pain also stimulates the body to secrete endorphins, pain-reducing chemicals and can give the person a high, called flying.

Punitive Pain– Is for the experienced SM player. Some submissives attain satisfaction from enduring pain without the physical pleasure.

As with any aspect of the BDSM lifestyle, the safe, sane and consensual rule holds here, and what’s your kink isn’t necessarily my kink. But don’t knock it unless you’ve tried it.

Curiosity can be a great thing

It led me to learn a lot more about the BDSM lifestyle which is almost a constant thread in my stories.

When I first began writing about BDSM I had an almost insatiable curiosity about the lifestyle, the people involved in it and how it offered a new level of sexual satisfaction. I discovered two things: more people are involved in the life than I imagined and it is far more complex than I could have even anticipated. But the more I studied it, the more absorbed in it I became. I also discovered that the key to it all is a level of trust very often missing from other relationships – a trust that really deepens the relationship.

Recently I had several online conversations with some couples involved in one form of BDSM known as the master/slave relationship. This a form of total power exchange, because one person gives another ultimate authority over them. And that certainly requires a deep level of trust. The Dominant is either Master (male) or Mistress (female).

In BDSM, a slave is a specific type of submissive. The master/slave relationship refers to the relationship between the individuals involved, and does not necessarily require any specific acts, sexual or otherwise, though sexual activity is usually an aspect of the relationship. The sexual aspect could be conventional, and not necessarily BDSM. A slave could also be a masochist or bottom, but this is not always the case.

For some the relationship is sexual roleplay, while others enter into the relationship on the basis of a highly committed, long-term, submissive lifestyle. The difference between submissive and slave is the degree of submission, but many see the difference as being conceptual. For example, some slaves may not have a naturally submissive personality, but choose to surrender their will and volition to another.

In some instances people celebrate the commitment to the relationship with a collaring ceremony, which can be simple or elaborate and friends are usually invited. The collar can be anything from a necklace to a bracelet or other piece of symbolic jewelry. These are generally not removed unless or until the relationship is dissolved.

The one thing everyone I spoke to was emphatic about was the level of trust in the relationship and incredible sense of satisfaction it gave them. I want to thank everyone (nameless, of course) who shared information with me. And you can be sure that this will be a major part of the plot in an upcoming story.

Meanwhile please check out my books at www.desireeholt.com

Kinky or Not?

Many folks visit this blog: kinky, kinky-curious, and plain old vanilla. Hopefully the unifying factor is their enjoyment of BDSM erotic romance and our new 1-800-DOM-help series.

But no matter what the visitor's flavor of sexuality, the key is respecting all of the different flavors. I am tickled imagining a curious visitor might learn something new about kink or BDSM at our site. Never be afraid to learn new things, about the world and about yourself. It opens doors. It encourages growth.

In honor of the search for self-understanding, and out of a simple sense of curiosity and fun, I am including links to several BDSM related quizzes for folks to take to rate their kink factors.

The first is one is titled BDSM/Dominant submissive or Switch? And then there's Do you have an inclination for BDSM? In fact, if you visit Quizfarm and plug in the words BDSM in the search function, you'll find a whole host of quizzes to help you define your known or possible kinky identity. Are these quizzes scientific? Probably not. Do they give definitive answers you should take to the bank? No. A person's individual sexuality is unique and defies labels. People exist on a wide spectrum. But sometimes these things are fun. And who knows what you'll learn.

Good luck.

Safe, sane and consensual,

Michelle

Tuesday Toys: Of Cocks and Napkin Rings

I love researching on the Internet. Type a few words in your search engine, kick back and laugh at the results. For today's post I began with my usual terms: "BDSM history" and adapted outward from there to variations of terms I found regarding cock rings from the past.

One terribly painful looking device that came up was a German Spermatorrhoea Ring.

Apparently our Victorian/Edwardian ancestors were afraid of sperm loss due to masturbation. To prevent that, they prevented arousal with this device.

But you can find something similar these days if your tastes run to chastity devices, like this one.

The most entertaining hit of the night was this cock ring:

Wouldn't a set of these be great for holiday dinners with vanilla family members?